Monday, November 16, 2009

Acai Berry

Hey all...

I'm sure you have all heard about the wonderful benefits of acai betty and all the hundreds of pounds of lard you will burn whilst paying out the ass, quite literally as well as figuratively for this glorified tropical blueberry. But what about the real side effects?

There are about a billion or more websites out there dedicated to this fruit as if it is the fountain of youth... It will cure cancer, heart disease, obesity, immigration and gay marriage. It costs nothing but 12 easy payments of your soul, and your first born child.

Here are some of the things the websites will tell you:

It is natural, so there are no side effects.
Well hello!!!! arsenic is a natural extract of apple seeds, but I guarantee it has side effects. If natural things didn't have side effects, then people who like to smoke Marijuana, wouldn't be trying to hide it from their coworkers, boss, the government and Jesus. Poison ivy is naturally occurring as well.

Acai Berry will boost your metabolism.
What a load of shit... i mean it's technically true, but it is misleading. Eating ANYTHING will boost your metabolism... especially if it is an organic fruit or vegetable. All you dieting people need to stop starving yourselves and eat things... not eating things is what makes you huge! our bodies weren't meant for the rollercoaster of binging and fasting. Our bodies need a regular schedule of nutrition so it knows how to properly store and use the nutrition. If you starve yourself, the next time you eat, your body is going to want to store more of the nutrients as fat than it will use to repair your broken cells... Basically... this rollercoaster causes humans to be giant tubs of blubber that age quickly because of the lack of cell regeneration. Eat healthy and exercise... go to the friggin gym... take a walk to the park... take the stairs instead of the elevator, and park your car further away from the front door of mcdonalds.

Clinical labs have proven that acai berry has no side effects.
you need to ask questions here. Whose clinical lab? I have a clinical lab, but God knows I'm no doctor. I'm tech support. And I can say anything I want to online... Whenever a site says it has clinical proof, actually look for the clinical proof. it would be published in a SCIENTIFIC journal if it is true... or jeez... they should at least post a link to a graph or something in the sidebar, or the article itself.
Oh by the way, the only thing the online medical sites like webMD.com have said about side effects is that they haven't had enough time to test the short term or long term side effects of this product, therefore, have no idea.

Dr. Phil and Oprah have featured acai on their tv shows.
Ok, do you have any idea how TV shows like this are even put together? Producers have a team of teenagers and early 20 year olds surfing the web for today's next trends. They see the same crap you read about a subject, product, new hat wearing directional preference, and they test it on their target demographic. in the case of the acai berry and any of it's associated products, the demographic is pudgy housewives who do nothing but watch oprah and dr phil all day. So the topic team says "oh cool, let's feature this!" they gets tons of money from the acai berry distributors for the advertisement that they are going to run on the show (the show is a big advertisement by the way, but that is another topic) and oprah gets a few "experts" to dress up like scientists and proclaim that acai is a new miracle.... Does anyone remember when she did atkins or south beach? it is a pattern... stop being so blind! By the way, Dr Phil is not a medical doctor, he is a therapist... With 4 more years of school, i'll be a doctor too... a doctor of Media arts and Technology... but i'm sure you won't want my medical advise.


Ok so now that i'm done trashing massive copy and paste job of the acai berry promoters. let me tell you this..

I'm the kind of person who will try pretty much anything. I tried Clean and Clear advantage for my face (which actually worked for a little while) i tried being Vegan (failed miserably after 1 good week) i tried south beach, atkins, joining a gym, running regularly, birth control (as some of them actually cause weight loss and prevent acne) and wii fit. now i'm a normal average american girl. a little overweight. I'm relatively healthy, and i have no marks on my medical history.

I tried the acai cleanse detox thing that i found in my supermarket. a friend actually recommended it to me. apparently she lost 2 sizes on it... good for her. so i took it home and excitedly read all the info on the bottle, took my 2 pills and drank my 8 ounces of water. That night i woke up from a sound sleep at 4:00 am, vomited all over the place, had to drink about 2 liters of water to get re-hydrated, and i've had a migraine headache for the last 3 days.

I have NEVER had a migraine before EVER. there is NO history of migraine in my family at all. And yes i know it was a migraine cause it was so painful i couldn't get out of bed for 2 of these 3 days.

So anyway...
i thought i would post a bad review about acai berries since there aren't any