West Side Story: The Parody
written by Malarie Piercy and Abby Rouse 2000
revision by Malarie Piercy 2005
(A narrator points the camera at his or her shoes)
Voice: Ah, yes. These are the coolest-- Oh! Um, West Side Story, written by Malarie Piercy and Abby Rouse (Pointing camera at our poster).
(Camera goes to Riff)
Riff: (Snap snap snap) Buy Gap!
(More Jets come on to the scene)
Jets: (Snap snap snap) Buy Gap
(Still more Jets come on the scene doing the same thing by twos till there are seven of them)
(A baseball flies by them and hits the fence. A Jet catches it. Guy walks up to them)
Guy: (Questioningly) Uh, buy Levis?
Jets: (Look at him like he’s stupid) Buy Gap! (Throw the ball to Guy and then dance around like they know what they’re doing, snapping as they go up and down alleys.)
(Sharks come up and fight with them.)
Baby John: Hey Jets! Hey Jets!
(Sharks beat up Baby John.)
(Jets come and beat up on Sharks.)
Voice: (in a sound that sounds nothing like a siren) woo ooh woo ooh.
Cops: (Even though there are only 2 of them, they split up the gangs.) If you want to kill each other, do it somewhere else! Understand?!
Bernardo: Would you mind translating that into Spanish?
Cop: You dirty...! (To baby John) Okay Baby John... which one of these dirty immigrants bloodied you?
Baby John: Um uh. Erm…
Riff: Oh! Uh excuse me Officer, but I do have the suspicion that it was a cop that done it.
Cop: DID IT! Don’t you kids learn English! The foreigners know it better than you do! Ugh I’m tired of this crap! Come along Krupke.
Krupke: So long boys.
(Cops and Sharks leave.)
Riff: That was close. (Whispers to himself) that was close...um uh... Oh no! I forgot my line. Leap! (Leaps into air as the other Jets clap.)
A-Jet: Best leap ever man.
Riff: (Proudly) Nothin'. We need to fight those Sharks again.
Anybodies: Hey Riff! Can I be in the gang?
Riff: Heck No!
Anybodies: Aw, why not?
Tiger: Go walk the street like your sister!
Anybodies: Oh yeah! Well at least I don’t go to my sister for fun!
Tiger: You can’t prove that!
Anybodies: They proved that Clinton did Monica; they can prove that you did my sister!
Nameless Whore: Hello Tiger, ready for another? It’ll only be two dollars this time.
Tiger: I told you I don’t want to do you; I’m not your trick! (Whispers to whore.) Meet me at 10 well do it in my car this time, not in the dumpster like before.
(Whore winks and leaves.)
Snowboy (Provider of snow; their crack monkey): Are the Sharks Mexican, Puerto Rican, Spanish?! I need to know! I NEED TO KNOW!!!
Riff: (Slaps Snowboy.) Who cares? I have to go find Tony.
A-Jet: (Does that finger quote thing.) But Tony's "responsible" now. He has a job. He's not a Jet.
Riff: (Singing) When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way! From your first visit to GAP to your last dying day! When you’re a Jet, if the spit hits the fan, you’ve got brothers around, you’re a family man.
Jets: You’re never alone, you’re never disconnected. You’re home with your own, when company’s expected you’re well protected. Then you are set with a capital J which you’ll never forget ‘till they cart you away. When you’re a Jet you stay a Jet.
(Music fades to background.)
Mouth Piece: Hey you need to challenge Nardo!
Riff: Okay! I’ll do it at the dance tonight.
(Continue singing)
Gee-Tar: When you’re a jet you’re the top man in town you’re the gold medal kid with a heavy-weight crown.
Action: When you're a Jet you’re the swingingest thing little boy you’re a man, little man you’re a king.
Jets: The Jets are in gear, our cylinders are clinking. The sharks will steer clear, cuz every Puerto Rican is a lousy chicken. Here come the Jets like a bat out of Hell. Um uh... leap! (They leap) Here come the jets let the world step aside. Better go underground better run better hide. We’re drawing the line, so keep your noses hidden. We’re hanging a sign, says visitors forbidden, and we ain’t kiddin' when you’re a Jet you stay a Jet!
A-Jet: It sounded better when Tony sang it with us.
Baby John: Yeah, but Tony dresses like a fag.
Diesel: So what! He wouldn’t have forgotten that one part.
Snowboy: Hey Riff here’s that snow you wanted.
Riff: Snow? (Sniffs it) Whoa. Hey. I don’t think that’s uh, conventional snow, if you know what I mean.
Snowboy: They don’t call me Snowboy just cause I’m a cracker. (Mocks riff) If you know what I mean.
Riff: Thank you Snowboy. I’ll save this for after school. I wanted to forget Longfellow and Keats anyway.
Snowboyd: Huh?
Riff: Well I gotta' go find Tony before I get high. See ya!
Scene 2
(Riff goes to see Tony at work.)
Riff: Hey Tony!
Tony: (Lifting bottles of Coke while dressed in drag.) Yeah Riff? (Twirls around to face Riff.) What do you think of my new outfit?
Riff: Why the Hell are you in drag?
Tony: Because I'm getting ready for the dance tonight.
Riff: (sarcastically) Uh huh, yeah left (as opposed to “yeah right”). I think you’re gay!
Tony: I am too! No wait! I mean I AM getting ready for the dance!
Riff: Uh huh, yeah. Well anyway, the rest of the Jets want you to fight the Sharks with us.
Tony: (Fagishly) Oh you silly, silly boy! You know I don't do that anymore! I might break a nail. Plus I’m responsible now.
Riff: (Whispers under his breath.) Fag. (Louder) Aw, come on! It'll be fun. Kicking those ethnic groups in the shins, pushing the other Jets around -- don’t you miss any of that?
Tony: No!
Riff: Oh just do it for old time's sake.
Tony: Okay, but you'll have to take me to the neighborhood dance and call me Tonya.
Riff: Um Tonya... You won't be like this at the fight, will you?
Tony: I'll act however you want me to act.
Riff: Act straight!
Tony: I'll try, but will I have to take my hands out of my pockets?
Riff: Hell no! You can’t show those painted finger nails in front of the gang! The Sharks would never let us Jets live it down. Even if they got their butts kicked by a guy wearing makeup!
Tony: Alright, and should I make my voice go deeper too?
Riff: (Sighs, annoyed) That’s straight enough, but how will you fight with your hands in your pockets? Eh, I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Scene 3
(Maria's place)
Maria: (Innocently) Do Americans dance like we do?
Anita: Quiet, you! I’m making your dress!
Maria: I want my dress to be sexy! Raise the hem by a foot, and lower the collar 4 inches.
Anita: (Humoring Maria) Okay (Pretends to make the changes in the dress.)
(Bernardo enters)
Bernardo: Ah, my two favorite girls. Are you ready to go?
Maria: Quack
Bernardo: What the!
Maria: Anita told me Americans quack.
Anita: Um... no I... didn't. (Her eyes dart back and forth.)
Maria: Quack
Bernardo: (Freaked out) Stop that! American's don't quack! Canadians do.
Maria: Oh okay! Let's go to Canada!
(Chino walks in dressed in Doc. Martins and a red and white letterman sweater. He has a comb-over hair cut [Richie Cunningham style] and he is humming a church hymn.)
Maria: Quack!
Chino: (Excitedly) Oh look! You've taught her to speak French!
Maria: It's not French! It's Canadian.
Chino: Oh yeah! That's right.
Bernardo: Damnit Chino. Stop trying to fit in so much with those pretty-boy, straightedge, square, white Americans.
(Awkward silence)
Anita: Oh yeah… Bernardo, I made Maria a dress so she could go to the dance.
Bernardo: Dance? What dance?
Anita: Don't tell me you forgot about the dance! (Starts cussing in Spanish)
Maria: Quack?
Anita: (to Maria) you’ll get to go Honey, don't worry.
(Continues fighting with Bernardo. Maria and Chino are left alone in the room, and they are uncomfortable with each other, so they don't say anything.)
Act 2: The dance
Riff: (With embarrassment) I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Tony: Well you asked for it. Now stop complaining, and start dancing!
Riff: I hope the guys don't see me with you in drag like this. It'll hurt both of our reputations.
Tony: Hey! I heard that! And what's wrong with dressing and acting like a girl? At least I'm not gay!
Riff: I'm not gay either.
Tony: Neither am I!
Riff: But you act like it!
Tony: And is that a problem?
Riff: Not if you ARE a girl. Tony, you used to be one of the guys! What happened?
Tony: It got old Riff! I changed my ways. I'm not about fighting anymore! And if you can't handle that, I'm not going to rumble with you guys against the Sharks!
(Tony runs out of the room with his face in his hands, crying. He collides with Maria.)
Oh I'm sorry little girl.
Maria: Quack!
Tony: Wow! You know French!
Maria: No! It's Canadian!
Tony: Canadian for what?
Maria: I think you're cute.
Tony: I think you're cute too.
Maria: Can you keep a secret?
Tony: Only if it's juicy and about someone I know. (Giggles and jumps up and
down.)
Maria: I'm not white.
Tony: Omigod! (Getting over it rather quickly) Wanna' dance?
Maria: Quack!
Tony: Stop turning me on.
Maria: Quacking is a turn on?
Tony: Only when you do it, baby.
(Both do a strange duck mating ritualistic dance which includes a kiss that just so happens at the exact moment that Bernardo enters the room.)
Bernardo: I am not seeing this. Hey! What kind of a Satanic ritual are you doing on my sister! Girl… I told you not to trick these boys into selling their souls to Satan through ritualistic Voo Doo ceremonies! You’re grounded.
Riff: Hey! Leave Tony alone. He has special problems.
Bernardo: He's not handicapped enough to leave Maria alone.
Riff: Meet me at the Old Man's place tonight and we'll solve this there.
Bernardo: (Looking at Tony’s dress) Sorry, I’ve got a girlfriend.
(Anita and Maria exit, Tony follows undetected and unmissed by the other Jets)
Riff: I mean it! Meet us at the old man’s place to discuss the terms of the rumble.
Bernardo: Oh, so were going to go political on this thing.
Riff: Exactly!
Bernardo: It’s a deal. (Does a leap to show up Riff.)
Riff: (Does a leap but trips; Sharks laugh, Jets get pissed.)
A-Jet: Riff! You’re out of the family!
Riff: But when you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way. ALL THE WAY! Got that, A-Jet?
A-Jet: Oh you’ve been hanging around Tony too long. (Long pause) And stop making fun of my name!
Scene 2
(Anita and Maria walking home [Tony follows undetected])
Anita: Maria what have I told you about drag queens?
Maria: Um Uh
Anita: That’s what I thought.
(Maria and Anita go home.)
Tony: (Takes out his notebook and says as he writes) Girl’s name is Maria. (Sings) Maria the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. (Echoes: Quack quack quack) All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word. (Echoes: Quack quack quack quack quack) MARIA!
Random Homeless Guy: Shut up! I’m trying to get some sleep.
Tony: (singing still) I’ve just met a girl named Maria! And suddenly that name will never be the same to me. Maria! I’ve just kissed a girl named Maria! And suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can be< Maria! Say it loud and there’s music playing. Say it soft, and it’s almost like praying. Maria I’ll never stop saying Maria(music ends)
Tony: Hey Maria! Oh damnit! I’ve lost them!
(Shout whispers to every window) Maria! Answer me! This has to be the right place. It’s the ghetto, for goodness sake. All Mexicans, Cubans, other live in the ghetto. Maria!!!!
Maria: What’s wrong with you? You want the whole neighborhood to hear? Oh well. You found me.
Tony: Yeah. Quack some more.
Maria: They’ll hear me.
Tony: I’m not afraid.
Maria: You should be. Bernardo was pretty pissed off.
Tony: It’s better than being pissed on.
Maria: Ribbit.
Tony: Exactly! No wait. What?
Maria: I’m speaking the language of the boy I love.
Tony: I don’t ribbit.
Maria: Oh. Okay then how about…(starts singing) Only you, you’re the only thing I see forever! In my eyes, in my words and in everything I do nothing else but you ever.
Tony: And there’s nothing for me but Maria! Every sight that I see is Maria!
Maria: Tony, Tony.
Tony: Always you every thought I’ll ever know. Everywhere I go you’ll be!
Maria: Except for when I go to Old Navy.
Both: You and me!
Maria: Tonight, tonight. It all began tonight. I saw you and the world went away. Tonight, tonight there’s only GAP tonight. What you wear, what you do, what you say.
Tony: Today all day I had the feeling, a miracle would happen. I know now I was right. For here you are and what was just a world is a star. Tonight! (Kiss passionately)
Both: Tonight, tonight the world is full of light with suns and moons all over the place! Tonight, tonight the world is wild and bright! Going to the GAP, and shooting stars into space.
Tony: Today! All day before I met you I hated Old Navy. I know now that I was naïve! For here you are, and what used to be the GAP is just a store.
Both: To- night.
(end music)
Maria: Let’s have a meeting tomorrow where I work.
Tony: Why would I go to a business meeting?
Maria: No I mean, let’s meet tomorrow where I work.
Tony: But I’ve already met you.
Maria: Let’s hang out tomorrow at my place of business.
Tony: That won’t be any good, considering I don’t know where you work!
Maria: The bridal shop. It’s right across the street.
Tony: You mean I have to visit the ghetto again?
Maria: Kinda.
Tony: Habia una vez, el conejo corre.
Maria: Once upon a time, the rabbit ran?
Tony: It’s all the Spanish I know.
Maria: Te amo.
Tony: (repeats his rabbit phrase)
Maria: Yo querido.
Tony: (repeats the rabbit phrase).
Maria: Goodnight, Tony. Tony? What’s Tony stand for?
Tony: Truth, justice, and the Nazi way.
Maria: No, no. What’s the name stand for?
Tony: Uh. Tony.
Maria: You mean you don’t know.
Tony: Screw it. It’s a nickname for Tonya. Now I have to go leap.
Maria: I love you, Tonya!
Tony: You too.
Scene 3
(Bernardo and Anita)
Anita: What is your problem, El Stupido? Don’t you want Maria to have a good time in America?
Bernardo: Not if it means she dances with some guy in a dress.
Anita: She’s already speaking Canadian. She’s watched the naked channel. There can’t be much more wrong with her.
Bernardo(pissed): She was with a guy in a dress!
Anita: Remember Leslie in Puerto Rico?
Bernardo: Sad day when we found out Leslie was a man.
Anita: America’s so much better.
(About 10 random Latina girls just crawl out of the woodwork.)
Girls (singing): I like to be in America. You can buy Gap in America. Everything’s free in America.
Guys: For a small fee in America.
Bernardo: When will I go back to San Juan?
Girls: When will you shut up and get gone?
Bernardo: Everyone there will give big cheer.
Anita: Everyone there will have moved here.
Girls: We can buy Gap and it looks nice.
Guys: One look at us and they charge twice
Anita: Na na na na na America. You can buy Gap in America.
Girls: Industry booms in America.
Guys: Twelve to a room in America.
(Anita brilliantly leaps and everyone shouts ole.)
(End music)
Act3
(At the meeting place, Doc’s candy store, Tony and Riff walk in. Bernardo, Chino, Random Sharks, and all the Jets are already there.)
Bernardo: Jeez Riff! It took you long enough – oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t notice that you had your boyfriend with you.
Riff: Why I oughtta’!
Bernardo: Now that were all alone, we’ll pretend were middle-aged businessmen.
Chino: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Shark: Calm down, Chino. (Chino grins and laughs in a scary way.)
Riff: Back to business. What weapons do you want to bring?
Bernardo: Any and all.
Tony: What about a rumble where we make fun of cherry pies?
Bernardo: How about you sober up your girl, Riff.
Tony: How about you lick me? In pies, that is! WE each make a pie and have your strongest guy eat one, our strongest guy eats one, and whoever wins gets the other gang’s territory ‘till Judgment Day.
Bernardo (smiling): I volunteer myself.
Chino: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Bernardo: It’s a pie eating contest, Chino.
Chino: Eat! Eat! Eat!
Riff: Our nameless Jet will go against you.
Bernardo: But I thought I’d be against… (Looks at Tony.)
Riff: It’s the nameless Jet or nothing at all, Nardo.
Bernardo: Bernardo and I accept. We’ll do this in old Mrs. Beanblossom’s backyard beside the rose bush.
Riff: Huh?
Bernardo: Then you think of somewhere! (Leaps)
Riff: (to nameless Jet) Did he just refer to himself in the third person? AND plural?
(Tony leaps. Shark leaps)
Chino: Leap! Leap! Leap!
Doc: (Comes up the basement stairs.) Shut up! (Under his breath) God you can’t teach kids anything these days. Oy. When I was your age, there was a war goin’ on, and it cost just one nickel to go to the movies for four hours! Shackelsteins, we called ‘em back then. Had to go up the hill both ways just to get to the shakelstein house. “Shack up with me!” we used-ta say. But you kids now with your Vietnam war, and women’s lib, and civil rights, and I Love Lucy (dozes off) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Scene 2
(Maria's place of business. It is the next day)
Maria: (singing) I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay. And I pity any girl who isn’t me today. I feel charming oh so charming. It’s alarming how charming I feel and so pretty and I hardly can believe I’m real. I feel stunning and entrancing. Feel like running and dancing for joy. For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
(music ends)
Anita: What’s wrong with you?
Maria: Pay attention, Anita. Do I have to sing the song again?
Anita: I hope not.
Maria: good. (Dances around, quietly quacking)
Anita: Did Chino ask you out or something?
Maria: Who?
Anita: Never mind. Just keep doing those leaps. You need the practice.
Maria: I know. Why don’t you leave early and I’ll lock up?
Anita: Oh no you don’t. We’ve caught you embezzling before.
Maria: I told you. The money was choking and needed CPR.
Anita: And while you were giving it CPR, did you have to say, “I’m in the money. I’m in the money”?
Maria: Just go, Anita. I won’t do anything bad.
Tony (entering, leaping): I learned a new Spanish phrase! Buenas noches.
Anita: (to Maria) Even you can do better than that.
Maria: I can explain.
Anita: That would be a fun few seconds of lies.
Tony: Don’t tell, Anita. I’ve just come to hold her hand and giggle with her.
Anita: That would explain the dress.
Maria: Pleeeaaassse? Oh puhleeze? With an alcoholic pina colada on top?
Anita: (giving up) I’ll give you 15 minutes.
Maria: Trust me. That’s all we’ll need.
Tony: What’s that supposed to mean?
Anita (laughing): Nothing. I’ll keep your secret.
Maria: Gracias, Anita.
Anita: Quiet, you!
(Anita exits)
Tony: I can understand Spanish! She said, Quiet you!
Maria: Rriiiggghhhhhtttt.
Tony: Well now it’s just us. What do you do here?
Maria: It’s a bridal shop but I supervise the First Aid kits.
Tony: Why?
Maria: To keep the wedding party safe.
Tony: Oh. Which dress is yours?
Maria: Um… none. I work here. Work. Wwwooorrrkkk.
Tony: You’re going to be proud of me.
Maria: How’s that?
Tony: I arranged a fight with no weapons. (Giggles wildly)
Maria: A fight? No fight is good for us. Fights make people grouchy and then they won’t take their naps. And if there is a fight, I’ll have to bring the First Aid kits, and I’d rather just play Halo.
Tony: Well, looks like I’ll just have to stop it altogether then.
Maria: Will you wear pants next time I see you?
Tony: I’ll have to think about it. See, I don’t shave my legs and if I wore shorts... Oh! You said pants.
Maria (confused): I’m not sure I should see you anymore.
Tony: But I’m a patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! (Starts marching and singing the song)
Maria: Wrong musical.
Tony: Say that again.
Maria: This is West Side Story.
Tony: (looks at camera) Oh yeah (leaps) Jets!
Maria (runs to hug him): Oh you’re just the best white boy ever! (Smooches him)
Tony: (blushing) Oh I am not.
Maria: Yes you are. You’re cuter than Riff and the other Jets and they are the only non Puerto Ricans in this show.
Tony: You have a point. I guess you’re right. But I have a rumble to stop. Later, Maria.
(Exits)
Act 4
The Jets (singing): The Jets are gonna have their day tonight! We will not act so gay tonight! That Puerto Rican punk will go down and when he’s hollered uncle, well tear up the town. Tonight!
The Sharks (singing): Were gonna rock it tonight. Were gonna jazz it up and have us a ball tonight! Well they began it! And were the ones to stop it once and for all tonight!
Anita (singing): Anita’s gonna get her kicks tonight. Well have a private little mix tonight. He'll come in hot and tired. So what? Don’t matter if he’s dying as long as he’s hot. Tonight!
Tony (singing): Tonight. Tonight. I walk a lot tonight. Tonight there will be no morning star. Tonight, tonight, I'll see my duck tonight and for us, quacks will stop where they are!
Maria (singing): Today the minutes seem like hours. The ducklings swim so slowly and soon it will be night. Oh quack, quack bright. And make this endless day endless night. Tonight!
Sharks and Jets (singing): We’\re gonna’ hand them a surprise tonight. We’re gonna’ get a rise tonight. They said a fair fight no tricks. But just in case they jump us were ready to mix. Tonight!
All: Today the minutes seem like hours the hours fly so slowly and soon it will be night. Oh moon, grow bright and make this endless day endless night. Tonight!
Scene 2
(open ground at the rumble)
Riff: First we shake.
(Bernardo spits on him)
Riff: That could have poked my eye out you little spick!
Bernardo: (mocking) Ooh. My eye. My poor eye. Oh dearest eye! (In his regular voice) you Americans are all the same. Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tony (entering): Wait! Wait! We don’t have to fight. I brought enough pies for everyone.
Jets: Get outta' here Tony. Let us handle this.
Bernardo: Let Nancy fight his own battles. You and me, Sarah Lee.
Tony: There’s no reason for it.
Bernardo: (doing his hand like a draw-on puppet and talks in a high pitched voice) Hi, I’m Tony. I like tacos and burritos!
(other Sharks laugh)
Tony: (doing his hand like a draw-on puppet and talks in a high pitched voice) Hi, I’m Bernardo. I like pot roast and Jiffy Pop and every night I watch Donna Reed.
Bernardo (fuming, he gets ready to stick his hand back out again, but Riff cuts him off)
Riff: Enough talk. I’m hungry. Hungry for blood! (Smacks a pie into Bernardo.)
Shark: Rumble! (All fight as Tony tries to break it up.)
Tony: No!
(Bernardo whips out a spoon. Riff does the same. Both circle each other until Bernardo stabs the spoon into Riff’s gut. Riff yells in pain. Tony runs to his side and Riff dies in Tony’s arms.)
Bernardo: Ay Ay Ay!
Tony: (Growls and digs the spoon into Bernardo.)
Bernardo (in pain): I regret nothing! (Dies)
Voice: woo oo woo oo (imitating a police siren.)
Jet: Cops! Bad boys, whatcha' gonna do? You better get out of here Tony!
Tony: (Looking at the dead bodies) Omigod. Omigod. (Panics) Maria!
Jets: No, it’s pronounced meringue not Maria. Don’t think about lemon meringue, Tony. Just leave.
(All leave. Tony is last to go.)
Scene 3
(Maria’s house)
Maria (Dancing the duck mating dance by herself): Someday I’ll be Mrs. Tony… Uh that’s funny. What is his last name? He’s just Tony. Gasp! I’m just Maria! I can’t let the audience know this. I know! A brilliant leap will solve everything!
(Before she gets a chance, Chino enters)
Chino: Maria…
Maria: Exactly. Just Maria. I don’t know my last name either.
Chino: I hate my name.
Maria: I know. It totally sucks. And it doesn’t go well with your cute little white-boy ensemble. (Under her breath) Square.
Chino: I also hate the news I have to tell you. At the rumble…
Maria: There was no rumble.
Chino: I’m bloody, I’m hurt, and I have terrible news. Uh, yeah Maria, there was a rumble.
Maria: You’re also sticky.
Chino: There was a rumble!
Maria: Gasp! Is Tony okay? Chino, is Tony okay? If he’s hurt, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Who would I quack for?
Chino: Tony? Tony! Tony! He killed your brother, you nerd! (Storms out angrily)
Maria: My brother? Oh no! Please don’t let it be true! Don’t let it be true!
Tony (enters behind her): I’m afraid it is.
Maria: How could this happen?
Tony: It’s a contemporary retelling of Romeo and Juliet. Bad things have to happen. I’m sorry.
Maria: If only we could get away. Into a light hearted musical. “I’ve got rhythm, I’ve got music.” (sniffs sadly) I’d even be okay being “Cats.”
Tony: (holds her) Let’s go.
Maria: Where?
Tony: Someplace warm. Someplace inviting. Someplace where white men aren’t supposed to work hard and where illegal immigrants like yourself can get rich in a matter of days. Someplace where we can be treated as equals. Someplace like where Audrey sang about in her daydream sequence of Little Shop of Horrors.
Maria: Canada!
Both (singing): There’s a place for us. Somewhere a place for us. Peace and quiet and open air. Wait for us somewhere. There’s a time for us. A time and place for us. Time together with time to spare. Time to love. Time to care. Someday. Somewhere. We’ll find a new way of living. Well find a way of forgiving. Somewhere. There’s a place for us. A time and place for us. Hold my hand and were halfway there. Hold my hand and Ill take you there. Somehow. Someday. Somewhere.
(They smooch and topple onto Maria’s bed)
(Music ends)
Scene 4
(The ghetto)
Snowboy: What’s the matta' with you?
A-Jet: (crying) I’m cryin' man.
Snowboy: I’ll go get you some snow.
A-Jet: No. I’m sad about Riff and Bernardo. I’m scared for Tony. And it is much too hot for it to snow this time of year.
Others: Just play it cool. (All white characters except Tony and Riff appear and snap their fingers)
All (singing): Boy, boy. Crazy boy. Be cool, boy. Gotta rocket in your pocket. Keep really cool, boy. Go man go but not like a yoyo schoolboy. Just play it cool, boy. Real cool.
(all dance) Crazy! (other group) Cool! Cool! Go! Crazy! Cool! Go! (All exit one by one; music fades.)
A-Jet: Wait, if we play it cool will that make it snow?
Scene 5
(Tony and Maria)
Tony: How’s your toothpick?
Maria (acting like she’s smoking it): Smoooooth. Quack.
(Anita knocks on door)
Anita: Maria? Can I talk to you?
Maria: No! Go away!
Tony: She’ll suspect.
Maria: Come in.
Tony: I’m still here!
Maria: I don’t know. Whatever you think.
Anita: You don’t sound so good.
Tony: Meet me at Doc’s. Well leave together from there. (Hugs her goodbye and leaves out window.)
(Anita enters)
Anita: I heard him. He was in here. You Latina traitor!
Maria: That’s not true!
Anita (singing): A boy like that. He kill your brother. Forget that boy. Find another. One of your own kind. Stick to your own kind. A boy who kills cannot love. A boy who kills has no heart. Yet he’s the boy who has your love who has your heart. Very smart, Maria, very smart.
Maria (singing): Oh no Anita no. It’s true for you. Not for me. I hear your words and they sound smart. But my heart, Anita, but my heart!
(Music ends abruptly)
Anita: Oh, I’m tired. You can’t rhyme and I believe you. (They hold hands which makes Anita very uncomfortable). You’re holding my hands.
Maria: Sorry.
Anita: It’s okay. I was beginning to think Tony was the girliest of the two of you.
Scene 6
(Same place)
Cop: Hello? This is immigration… Uh, I mean can I ask you some questions about Bernardo’s death?
Maria: Will it take long?
Cop: I’m asking the questions here. You answer.
Anita: Cut her some slack, jack.
Maria: Anita, I need my aspirin. Wink wink. Will you go to Docs and tell him I’ve been detained? Understand? Detained?
Anita: Detained. Oh. Your aspirin. The aspirin that you need. The aspirin that Doc has. The Doc who on an unrelated matter happens to be friends with you-know-who. The you-know-who who you LOVE. That makes sense. Perfect sense. Riiiiggghhhhttt.
(She Leaves)
Scene 7
(Doc’s Store)
Anita: Is Doc here?
Jets: I don’t know. Doc? Maybe if I just summon him up with my mind.
Anita: That’s not necessary. Is Tony here?
Jet: Why?
Anita: I need to see Tony.
Jets: Tony? We don’t know no Tony.
Anita: He’s about yay tall. Dresses in dresses. I’m sure you’ve seen him before.
Jet: Oh, that Tony. He ain't here.
Anita: He is too.
(Jets Jump on her, doing God knows what. Doc enters).
Doc: Heavens to Murgatroid!
Anita (now free): Tell Daisy in there that Maria won’t meet him. Chino lost his mind after hearing about the two of them and shot her. She’s dead. Dead! (Exits)
(Doc finds Tony)
Tony: Is that you, Maria?
Doc: Listen, Billy-
Tony: It’s Tony.
Doc: Look, Sam. That was Anita up there.
Tony: Did you interest her in some Smartieken?
Doc: What?
Tony: You know. The liquor with the Smarties floating around in it.
Doc: I think you’re making that up, Josh. But I got something awful to tell you. Anita said that Chino killed Maria. I’m sorry.
Tony: (crushed) Maria? My Maria? Dead? My little duck; dead? Oh I don’t want to live! (Breaks down, bawling)
Doc: There, there. How about you loan me your jacket?
Tony: She’s gone! The only girl I’ll ever love is dead! The only girl who mistook me for straight is gone! Gone!
Doc: Giving me your jacket will make you feel better.
Tony: (runs out of door) Chino! Come and kill me too!
Doc: Damn kids today. These kids with their one true loves and their sexual ambiguity. I remember where if a girl didn’t wear a dress to school, we could take her outside the city gates and stone her to death! Yeah, stonin’. Been bonin’ for a stonin’, we’d say. Ah, stones. Back in those days, stones were about two cents apiece, or balgippies, we’d call ‘em. And if you had four balgippies, you could trade ‘em for a muggletytop. (dozes off) zzzzzzzzz
Tony: (outside) Chino! I’m all alone. Poison me, drown me, pop me on the head, just as long as I’m not wriggling afterwards!
Maria (enters) Quack?
Tony: Maria? Maria! (Runs to her. Chino enters behind him, spraying cheese whiz onto Tony’s back)
Chino: Suck cheese whiz, butterball! (Tony collapses into Maria)
Maria: Tony? Tony? (Singing) Hold my hand and were halfway there. Hold my hand and I’ll take you there. Somehow. Somewhere.
Tony: You sound like I’m gonna die. (Dies)
Maria: All of you killed him. Each and every one of you pigs killed him! Not with pies and whiz but with hate! And jealousy! AND FOR MONEY! (Cries)
(Jets take a step forward)
Maria: No! Don’t go near him. He’s all right. (Goes to Tony's corpse and moves its mouth around, talks in man voice) Hello, Maria. It’s Tony. I’m not dead. Just cheeserific! (Maria realizes she cannot pretend and cries)
(Jets and Sharks carry Tony away)
Maria: I suppose the morals of this are as follows: optimism is for weenies and it doesn’t matter if you’re white or other.
The end
