when you're bored in IT...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Saturday, May 19, 2007
West side story parody
West Side Story: The Parody
written by Malarie Piercy and Abby Rouse 2000
revision by Malarie Piercy 2005
(A narrator points the camera at his or her shoes)
Voice: Ah, yes. These are the coolest-- Oh! Um, West Side Story, written by Malarie Piercy and Abby Rouse (Pointing camera at our poster).
(Camera goes to Riff)
Riff: (Snap snap snap) Buy Gap!
(More Jets come on to the scene)
Jets: (Snap snap snap) Buy Gap
(Still more Jets come on the scene doing the same thing by twos till there are seven of them)
(A baseball flies by them and hits the fence. A Jet catches it. Guy walks up to them)
Guy: (Questioningly) Uh, buy Levis?
Jets: (Look at him like he’s stupid) Buy Gap! (Throw the ball to Guy and then dance around like they know what they’re doing, snapping as they go up and down alleys.)
(Sharks come up and fight with them.)
Baby John: Hey Jets! Hey Jets!
(Sharks beat up Baby John.)
(Jets come and beat up on Sharks.)
Voice: (in a sound that sounds nothing like a siren) woo ooh woo ooh.
Cops: (Even though there are only 2 of them, they split up the gangs.) If you want to kill each other, do it somewhere else! Understand?!
Bernardo: Would you mind translating that into Spanish?
Cop: You dirty...! (To baby John) Okay Baby John... which one of these dirty immigrants bloodied you?
Baby John: Um uh. Erm…
Riff: Oh! Uh excuse me Officer, but I do have the suspicion that it was a cop that done it.
Cop: DID IT! Don’t you kids learn English! The foreigners know it better than you do! Ugh I’m tired of this crap! Come along Krupke.
Krupke: So long boys.
(Cops and Sharks leave.)
Riff: That was close. (Whispers to himself) that was close...um uh... Oh no! I forgot my line. Leap! (Leaps into air as the other Jets clap.)
A-Jet: Best leap ever man.
Riff: (Proudly) Nothin'. We need to fight those Sharks again.
Anybodies: Hey Riff! Can I be in the gang?
Riff: Heck No!
Anybodies: Aw, why not?
Tiger: Go walk the street like your sister!
Anybodies: Oh yeah! Well at least I don’t go to my sister for fun!
Tiger: You can’t prove that!
Anybodies: They proved that Clinton did Monica; they can prove that you did my sister!
Nameless Whore: Hello Tiger, ready for another? It’ll only be two dollars this time.
Tiger: I told you I don’t want to do you; I’m not your trick! (Whispers to whore.) Meet me at 10 well do it in my car this time, not in the dumpster like before.
(Whore winks and leaves.)
Snowboy (Provider of snow; their crack monkey): Are the Sharks Mexican, Puerto Rican, Spanish?! I need to know! I NEED TO KNOW!!!
Riff: (Slaps Snowboy.) Who cares? I have to go find Tony.
A-Jet: (Does that finger quote thing.) But Tony's "responsible" now. He has a job. He's not a Jet.
Riff: (Singing) When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way! From your first visit to GAP to your last dying day! When you’re a Jet, if the spit hits the fan, you’ve got brothers around, you’re a family man.
Jets: You’re never alone, you’re never disconnected. You’re home with your own, when company’s expected you’re well protected. Then you are set with a capital J which you’ll never forget ‘till they cart you away. When you’re a Jet you stay a Jet.
(Music fades to background.)
Mouth Piece: Hey you need to challenge Nardo!
Riff: Okay! I’ll do it at the dance tonight.
(Continue singing)
Gee-Tar: When you’re a jet you’re the top man in town you’re the gold medal kid with a heavy-weight crown.
Action: When you're a Jet you’re the swingingest thing little boy you’re a man, little man you’re a king.
Jets: The Jets are in gear, our cylinders are clinking. The sharks will steer clear, cuz every Puerto Rican is a lousy chicken. Here come the Jets like a bat out of Hell. Um uh... leap! (They leap) Here come the jets let the world step aside. Better go underground better run better hide. We’re drawing the line, so keep your noses hidden. We’re hanging a sign, says visitors forbidden, and we ain’t kiddin' when you’re a Jet you stay a Jet!
A-Jet: It sounded better when Tony sang it with us.
Baby John: Yeah, but Tony dresses like a fag.
Diesel: So what! He wouldn’t have forgotten that one part.
Snowboy: Hey Riff here’s that snow you wanted.
Riff: Snow? (Sniffs it) Whoa. Hey. I don’t think that’s uh, conventional snow, if you know what I mean.
Snowboy: They don’t call me Snowboy just cause I’m a cracker. (Mocks riff) If you know what I mean.
Riff: Thank you Snowboy. I’ll save this for after school. I wanted to forget Longfellow and Keats anyway.
Snowboyd: Huh?
Riff: Well I gotta' go find Tony before I get high. See ya!
Scene 2
(Riff goes to see Tony at work.)
Riff: Hey Tony!
Tony: (Lifting bottles of Coke while dressed in drag.) Yeah Riff? (Twirls around to face Riff.) What do you think of my new outfit?
Riff: Why the Hell are you in drag?
Tony: Because I'm getting ready for the dance tonight.
Riff: (sarcastically) Uh huh, yeah left (as opposed to “yeah right”). I think you’re gay!
Tony: I am too! No wait! I mean I AM getting ready for the dance!
Riff: Uh huh, yeah. Well anyway, the rest of the Jets want you to fight the Sharks with us.
Tony: (Fagishly) Oh you silly, silly boy! You know I don't do that anymore! I might break a nail. Plus I’m responsible now.
Riff: (Whispers under his breath.) Fag. (Louder) Aw, come on! It'll be fun. Kicking those ethnic groups in the shins, pushing the other Jets around -- don’t you miss any of that?
Tony: No!
Riff: Oh just do it for old time's sake.
Tony: Okay, but you'll have to take me to the neighborhood dance and call me Tonya.
Riff: Um Tonya... You won't be like this at the fight, will you?
Tony: I'll act however you want me to act.
Riff: Act straight!
Tony: I'll try, but will I have to take my hands out of my pockets?
Riff: Hell no! You can’t show those painted finger nails in front of the gang! The Sharks would never let us Jets live it down. Even if they got their butts kicked by a guy wearing makeup!
Tony: Alright, and should I make my voice go deeper too?
Riff: (Sighs, annoyed) That’s straight enough, but how will you fight with your hands in your pockets? Eh, I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Scene 3
(Maria's place)
Maria: (Innocently) Do Americans dance like we do?
Anita: Quiet, you! I’m making your dress!
Maria: I want my dress to be sexy! Raise the hem by a foot, and lower the collar 4 inches.
Anita: (Humoring Maria) Okay (Pretends to make the changes in the dress.)
(Bernardo enters)
Bernardo: Ah, my two favorite girls. Are you ready to go?
Maria: Quack
Bernardo: What the!
Maria: Anita told me Americans quack.
Anita: Um... no I... didn't. (Her eyes dart back and forth.)
Maria: Quack
Bernardo: (Freaked out) Stop that! American's don't quack! Canadians do.
Maria: Oh okay! Let's go to Canada!
(Chino walks in dressed in Doc. Martins and a red and white letterman sweater. He has a comb-over hair cut [Richie Cunningham style] and he is humming a church hymn.)
Maria: Quack!
Chino: (Excitedly) Oh look! You've taught her to speak French!
Maria: It's not French! It's Canadian.
Chino: Oh yeah! That's right.
Bernardo: Damnit Chino. Stop trying to fit in so much with those pretty-boy, straightedge, square, white Americans.
(Awkward silence)
Anita: Oh yeah… Bernardo, I made Maria a dress so she could go to the dance.
Bernardo: Dance? What dance?
Anita: Don't tell me you forgot about the dance! (Starts cussing in Spanish)
Maria: Quack?
Anita: (to Maria) you’ll get to go Honey, don't worry.
(Continues fighting with Bernardo. Maria and Chino are left alone in the room, and they are uncomfortable with each other, so they don't say anything.)
Act 2: The dance
Riff: (With embarrassment) I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Tony: Well you asked for it. Now stop complaining, and start dancing!
Riff: I hope the guys don't see me with you in drag like this. It'll hurt both of our reputations.
Tony: Hey! I heard that! And what's wrong with dressing and acting like a girl? At least I'm not gay!
Riff: I'm not gay either.
Tony: Neither am I!
Riff: But you act like it!
Tony: And is that a problem?
Riff: Not if you ARE a girl. Tony, you used to be one of the guys! What happened?
Tony: It got old Riff! I changed my ways. I'm not about fighting anymore! And if you can't handle that, I'm not going to rumble with you guys against the Sharks!
(Tony runs out of the room with his face in his hands, crying. He collides with Maria.)
Oh I'm sorry little girl.
Maria: Quack!
Tony: Wow! You know French!
Maria: No! It's Canadian!
Tony: Canadian for what?
Maria: I think you're cute.
Tony: I think you're cute too.
Maria: Can you keep a secret?
Tony: Only if it's juicy and about someone I know. (Giggles and jumps up and
down.)
Maria: I'm not white.
Tony: Omigod! (Getting over it rather quickly) Wanna' dance?
Maria: Quack!
Tony: Stop turning me on.
Maria: Quacking is a turn on?
Tony: Only when you do it, baby.
(Both do a strange duck mating ritualistic dance which includes a kiss that just so happens at the exact moment that Bernardo enters the room.)
Bernardo: I am not seeing this. Hey! What kind of a Satanic ritual are you doing on my sister! Girl… I told you not to trick these boys into selling their souls to Satan through ritualistic Voo Doo ceremonies! You’re grounded.
Riff: Hey! Leave Tony alone. He has special problems.
Bernardo: He's not handicapped enough to leave Maria alone.
Riff: Meet me at the Old Man's place tonight and we'll solve this there.
Bernardo: (Looking at Tony’s dress) Sorry, I’ve got a girlfriend.
(Anita and Maria exit, Tony follows undetected and unmissed by the other Jets)
Riff: I mean it! Meet us at the old man’s place to discuss the terms of the rumble.
Bernardo: Oh, so were going to go political on this thing.
Riff: Exactly!
Bernardo: It’s a deal. (Does a leap to show up Riff.)
Riff: (Does a leap but trips; Sharks laugh, Jets get pissed.)
A-Jet: Riff! You’re out of the family!
Riff: But when you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way. ALL THE WAY! Got that, A-Jet?
A-Jet: Oh you’ve been hanging around Tony too long. (Long pause) And stop making fun of my name!
Scene 2
(Anita and Maria walking home [Tony follows undetected])
Anita: Maria what have I told you about drag queens?
Maria: Um Uh
Anita: That’s what I thought.
(Maria and Anita go home.)
Tony: (Takes out his notebook and says as he writes) Girl’s name is Maria. (Sings) Maria the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. (Echoes: Quack quack quack) All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word. (Echoes: Quack quack quack quack quack) MARIA!
Random Homeless Guy: Shut up! I’m trying to get some sleep.
Tony: (singing still) I’ve just met a girl named Maria! And suddenly that name will never be the same to me. Maria! I’ve just kissed a girl named Maria! And suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can be< Maria! Say it loud and there’s music playing. Say it soft, and it’s almost like praying. Maria I’ll never stop saying Maria(music ends)
Tony: Hey Maria! Oh damnit! I’ve lost them!
(Shout whispers to every window) Maria! Answer me! This has to be the right place. It’s the ghetto, for goodness sake. All Mexicans, Cubans, other live in the ghetto. Maria!!!!
Maria: What’s wrong with you? You want the whole neighborhood to hear? Oh well. You found me.
Tony: Yeah. Quack some more.
Maria: They’ll hear me.
Tony: I’m not afraid.
Maria: You should be. Bernardo was pretty pissed off.
Tony: It’s better than being pissed on.
Maria: Ribbit.
Tony: Exactly! No wait. What?
Maria: I’m speaking the language of the boy I love.
Tony: I don’t ribbit.
Maria: Oh. Okay then how about…(starts singing) Only you, you’re the only thing I see forever! In my eyes, in my words and in everything I do nothing else but you ever.
Tony: And there’s nothing for me but Maria! Every sight that I see is Maria!
Maria: Tony, Tony.
Tony: Always you every thought I’ll ever know. Everywhere I go you’ll be!
Maria: Except for when I go to Old Navy.
Both: You and me!
Maria: Tonight, tonight. It all began tonight. I saw you and the world went away. Tonight, tonight there’s only GAP tonight. What you wear, what you do, what you say.
Tony: Today all day I had the feeling, a miracle would happen. I know now I was right. For here you are and what was just a world is a star. Tonight! (Kiss passionately)
Both: Tonight, tonight the world is full of light with suns and moons all over the place! Tonight, tonight the world is wild and bright! Going to the GAP, and shooting stars into space.
Tony: Today! All day before I met you I hated Old Navy. I know now that I was naïve! For here you are, and what used to be the GAP is just a store.
Both: To- night.
(end music)
Maria: Let’s have a meeting tomorrow where I work.
Tony: Why would I go to a business meeting?
Maria: No I mean, let’s meet tomorrow where I work.
Tony: But I’ve already met you.
Maria: Let’s hang out tomorrow at my place of business.
Tony: That won’t be any good, considering I don’t know where you work!
Maria: The bridal shop. It’s right across the street.
Tony: You mean I have to visit the ghetto again?
Maria: Kinda.
Tony: Habia una vez, el conejo corre.
Maria: Once upon a time, the rabbit ran?
Tony: It’s all the Spanish I know.
Maria: Te amo.
Tony: (repeats his rabbit phrase)
Maria: Yo querido.
Tony: (repeats the rabbit phrase).
Maria: Goodnight, Tony. Tony? What’s Tony stand for?
Tony: Truth, justice, and the Nazi way.
Maria: No, no. What’s the name stand for?
Tony: Uh. Tony.
Maria: You mean you don’t know.
Tony: Screw it. It’s a nickname for Tonya. Now I have to go leap.
Maria: I love you, Tonya!
Tony: You too.
Scene 3
(Bernardo and Anita)
Anita: What is your problem, El Stupido? Don’t you want Maria to have a good time in America?
Bernardo: Not if it means she dances with some guy in a dress.
Anita: She’s already speaking Canadian. She’s watched the naked channel. There can’t be much more wrong with her.
Bernardo(pissed): She was with a guy in a dress!
Anita: Remember Leslie in Puerto Rico?
Bernardo: Sad day when we found out Leslie was a man.
Anita: America’s so much better.
(About 10 random Latina girls just crawl out of the woodwork.)
Girls (singing): I like to be in America. You can buy Gap in America. Everything’s free in America.
Guys: For a small fee in America.
Bernardo: When will I go back to San Juan?
Girls: When will you shut up and get gone?
Bernardo: Everyone there will give big cheer.
Anita: Everyone there will have moved here.
Girls: We can buy Gap and it looks nice.
Guys: One look at us and they charge twice
Anita: Na na na na na America. You can buy Gap in America.
Girls: Industry booms in America.
Guys: Twelve to a room in America.
(Anita brilliantly leaps and everyone shouts ole.)
(End music)
Act3
(At the meeting place, Doc’s candy store, Tony and Riff walk in. Bernardo, Chino, Random Sharks, and all the Jets are already there.)
Bernardo: Jeez Riff! It took you long enough – oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t notice that you had your boyfriend with you.
Riff: Why I oughtta’!
Bernardo: Now that were all alone, we’ll pretend were middle-aged businessmen.
Chino: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Shark: Calm down, Chino. (Chino grins and laughs in a scary way.)
Riff: Back to business. What weapons do you want to bring?
Bernardo: Any and all.
Tony: What about a rumble where we make fun of cherry pies?
Bernardo: How about you sober up your girl, Riff.
Tony: How about you lick me? In pies, that is! WE each make a pie and have your strongest guy eat one, our strongest guy eats one, and whoever wins gets the other gang’s territory ‘till Judgment Day.
Bernardo (smiling): I volunteer myself.
Chino: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Bernardo: It’s a pie eating contest, Chino.
Chino: Eat! Eat! Eat!
Riff: Our nameless Jet will go against you.
Bernardo: But I thought I’d be against… (Looks at Tony.)
Riff: It’s the nameless Jet or nothing at all, Nardo.
Bernardo: Bernardo and I accept. We’ll do this in old Mrs. Beanblossom’s backyard beside the rose bush.
Riff: Huh?
Bernardo: Then you think of somewhere! (Leaps)
Riff: (to nameless Jet) Did he just refer to himself in the third person? AND plural?
(Tony leaps. Shark leaps)
Chino: Leap! Leap! Leap!
Doc: (Comes up the basement stairs.) Shut up! (Under his breath) God you can’t teach kids anything these days. Oy. When I was your age, there was a war goin’ on, and it cost just one nickel to go to the movies for four hours! Shackelsteins, we called ‘em back then. Had to go up the hill both ways just to get to the shakelstein house. “Shack up with me!” we used-ta say. But you kids now with your Vietnam war, and women’s lib, and civil rights, and I Love Lucy (dozes off) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Scene 2
(Maria's place of business. It is the next day)
Maria: (singing) I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay. And I pity any girl who isn’t me today. I feel charming oh so charming. It’s alarming how charming I feel and so pretty and I hardly can believe I’m real. I feel stunning and entrancing. Feel like running and dancing for joy. For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
(music ends)
Anita: What’s wrong with you?
Maria: Pay attention, Anita. Do I have to sing the song again?
Anita: I hope not.
Maria: good. (Dances around, quietly quacking)
Anita: Did Chino ask you out or something?
Maria: Who?
Anita: Never mind. Just keep doing those leaps. You need the practice.
Maria: I know. Why don’t you leave early and I’ll lock up?
Anita: Oh no you don’t. We’ve caught you embezzling before.
Maria: I told you. The money was choking and needed CPR.
Anita: And while you were giving it CPR, did you have to say, “I’m in the money. I’m in the money”?
Maria: Just go, Anita. I won’t do anything bad.
Tony (entering, leaping): I learned a new Spanish phrase! Buenas noches.
Anita: (to Maria) Even you can do better than that.
Maria: I can explain.
Anita: That would be a fun few seconds of lies.
Tony: Don’t tell, Anita. I’ve just come to hold her hand and giggle with her.
Anita: That would explain the dress.
Maria: Pleeeaaassse? Oh puhleeze? With an alcoholic pina colada on top?
Anita: (giving up) I’ll give you 15 minutes.
Maria: Trust me. That’s all we’ll need.
Tony: What’s that supposed to mean?
Anita (laughing): Nothing. I’ll keep your secret.
Maria: Gracias, Anita.
Anita: Quiet, you!
(Anita exits)
Tony: I can understand Spanish! She said, Quiet you!
Maria: Rriiiggghhhhhtttt.
Tony: Well now it’s just us. What do you do here?
Maria: It’s a bridal shop but I supervise the First Aid kits.
Tony: Why?
Maria: To keep the wedding party safe.
Tony: Oh. Which dress is yours?
Maria: Um… none. I work here. Work. Wwwooorrrkkk.
Tony: You’re going to be proud of me.
Maria: How’s that?
Tony: I arranged a fight with no weapons. (Giggles wildly)
Maria: A fight? No fight is good for us. Fights make people grouchy and then they won’t take their naps. And if there is a fight, I’ll have to bring the First Aid kits, and I’d rather just play Halo.
Tony: Well, looks like I’ll just have to stop it altogether then.
Maria: Will you wear pants next time I see you?
Tony: I’ll have to think about it. See, I don’t shave my legs and if I wore shorts... Oh! You said pants.
Maria (confused): I’m not sure I should see you anymore.
Tony: But I’m a patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! (Starts marching and singing the song)
Maria: Wrong musical.
Tony: Say that again.
Maria: This is West Side Story.
Tony: (looks at camera) Oh yeah (leaps) Jets!
Maria (runs to hug him): Oh you’re just the best white boy ever! (Smooches him)
Tony: (blushing) Oh I am not.
Maria: Yes you are. You’re cuter than Riff and the other Jets and they are the only non Puerto Ricans in this show.
Tony: You have a point. I guess you’re right. But I have a rumble to stop. Later, Maria.
(Exits)
Act 4
The Jets (singing): The Jets are gonna have their day tonight! We will not act so gay tonight! That Puerto Rican punk will go down and when he’s hollered uncle, well tear up the town. Tonight!
The Sharks (singing): Were gonna rock it tonight. Were gonna jazz it up and have us a ball tonight! Well they began it! And were the ones to stop it once and for all tonight!
Anita (singing): Anita’s gonna get her kicks tonight. Well have a private little mix tonight. He'll come in hot and tired. So what? Don’t matter if he’s dying as long as he’s hot. Tonight!
Tony (singing): Tonight. Tonight. I walk a lot tonight. Tonight there will be no morning star. Tonight, tonight, I'll see my duck tonight and for us, quacks will stop where they are!
Maria (singing): Today the minutes seem like hours. The ducklings swim so slowly and soon it will be night. Oh quack, quack bright. And make this endless day endless night. Tonight!
Sharks and Jets (singing): We’\re gonna’ hand them a surprise tonight. We’re gonna’ get a rise tonight. They said a fair fight no tricks. But just in case they jump us were ready to mix. Tonight!
All: Today the minutes seem like hours the hours fly so slowly and soon it will be night. Oh moon, grow bright and make this endless day endless night. Tonight!
Scene 2
(open ground at the rumble)
Riff: First we shake.
(Bernardo spits on him)
Riff: That could have poked my eye out you little spick!
Bernardo: (mocking) Ooh. My eye. My poor eye. Oh dearest eye! (In his regular voice) you Americans are all the same. Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tony (entering): Wait! Wait! We don’t have to fight. I brought enough pies for everyone.
Jets: Get outta' here Tony. Let us handle this.
Bernardo: Let Nancy fight his own battles. You and me, Sarah Lee.
Tony: There’s no reason for it.
Bernardo: (doing his hand like a draw-on puppet and talks in a high pitched voice) Hi, I’m Tony. I like tacos and burritos!
(other Sharks laugh)
Tony: (doing his hand like a draw-on puppet and talks in a high pitched voice) Hi, I’m Bernardo. I like pot roast and Jiffy Pop and every night I watch Donna Reed.
Bernardo (fuming, he gets ready to stick his hand back out again, but Riff cuts him off)
Riff: Enough talk. I’m hungry. Hungry for blood! (Smacks a pie into Bernardo.)
Shark: Rumble! (All fight as Tony tries to break it up.)
Tony: No!
(Bernardo whips out a spoon. Riff does the same. Both circle each other until Bernardo stabs the spoon into Riff’s gut. Riff yells in pain. Tony runs to his side and Riff dies in Tony’s arms.)
Bernardo: Ay Ay Ay!
Tony: (Growls and digs the spoon into Bernardo.)
Bernardo (in pain): I regret nothing! (Dies)
Voice: woo oo woo oo (imitating a police siren.)
Jet: Cops! Bad boys, whatcha' gonna do? You better get out of here Tony!
Tony: (Looking at the dead bodies) Omigod. Omigod. (Panics) Maria!
Jets: No, it’s pronounced meringue not Maria. Don’t think about lemon meringue, Tony. Just leave.
(All leave. Tony is last to go.)
Scene 3
(Maria’s house)
Maria (Dancing the duck mating dance by herself): Someday I’ll be Mrs. Tony… Uh that’s funny. What is his last name? He’s just Tony. Gasp! I’m just Maria! I can’t let the audience know this. I know! A brilliant leap will solve everything!
(Before she gets a chance, Chino enters)
Chino: Maria…
Maria: Exactly. Just Maria. I don’t know my last name either.
Chino: I hate my name.
Maria: I know. It totally sucks. And it doesn’t go well with your cute little white-boy ensemble. (Under her breath) Square.
Chino: I also hate the news I have to tell you. At the rumble…
Maria: There was no rumble.
Chino: I’m bloody, I’m hurt, and I have terrible news. Uh, yeah Maria, there was a rumble.
Maria: You’re also sticky.
Chino: There was a rumble!
Maria: Gasp! Is Tony okay? Chino, is Tony okay? If he’s hurt, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Who would I quack for?
Chino: Tony? Tony! Tony! He killed your brother, you nerd! (Storms out angrily)
Maria: My brother? Oh no! Please don’t let it be true! Don’t let it be true!
Tony (enters behind her): I’m afraid it is.
Maria: How could this happen?
Tony: It’s a contemporary retelling of Romeo and Juliet. Bad things have to happen. I’m sorry.
Maria: If only we could get away. Into a light hearted musical. “I’ve got rhythm, I’ve got music.” (sniffs sadly) I’d even be okay being “Cats.”
Tony: (holds her) Let’s go.
Maria: Where?
Tony: Someplace warm. Someplace inviting. Someplace where white men aren’t supposed to work hard and where illegal immigrants like yourself can get rich in a matter of days. Someplace where we can be treated as equals. Someplace like where Audrey sang about in her daydream sequence of Little Shop of Horrors.
Maria: Canada!
Both (singing): There’s a place for us. Somewhere a place for us. Peace and quiet and open air. Wait for us somewhere. There’s a time for us. A time and place for us. Time together with time to spare. Time to love. Time to care. Someday. Somewhere. We’ll find a new way of living. Well find a way of forgiving. Somewhere. There’s a place for us. A time and place for us. Hold my hand and were halfway there. Hold my hand and Ill take you there. Somehow. Someday. Somewhere.
(They smooch and topple onto Maria’s bed)
(Music ends)
Scene 4
(The ghetto)
Snowboy: What’s the matta' with you?
A-Jet: (crying) I’m cryin' man.
Snowboy: I’ll go get you some snow.
A-Jet: No. I’m sad about Riff and Bernardo. I’m scared for Tony. And it is much too hot for it to snow this time of year.
Others: Just play it cool. (All white characters except Tony and Riff appear and snap their fingers)
All (singing): Boy, boy. Crazy boy. Be cool, boy. Gotta rocket in your pocket. Keep really cool, boy. Go man go but not like a yoyo schoolboy. Just play it cool, boy. Real cool.
(all dance) Crazy! (other group) Cool! Cool! Go! Crazy! Cool! Go! (All exit one by one; music fades.)
A-Jet: Wait, if we play it cool will that make it snow?
Scene 5
(Tony and Maria)
Tony: How’s your toothpick?
Maria (acting like she’s smoking it): Smoooooth. Quack.
(Anita knocks on door)
Anita: Maria? Can I talk to you?
Maria: No! Go away!
Tony: She’ll suspect.
Maria: Come in.
Tony: I’m still here!
Maria: I don’t know. Whatever you think.
Anita: You don’t sound so good.
Tony: Meet me at Doc’s. Well leave together from there. (Hugs her goodbye and leaves out window.)
(Anita enters)
Anita: I heard him. He was in here. You Latina traitor!
Maria: That’s not true!
Anita (singing): A boy like that. He kill your brother. Forget that boy. Find another. One of your own kind. Stick to your own kind. A boy who kills cannot love. A boy who kills has no heart. Yet he’s the boy who has your love who has your heart. Very smart, Maria, very smart.
Maria (singing): Oh no Anita no. It’s true for you. Not for me. I hear your words and they sound smart. But my heart, Anita, but my heart!
(Music ends abruptly)
Anita: Oh, I’m tired. You can’t rhyme and I believe you. (They hold hands which makes Anita very uncomfortable). You’re holding my hands.
Maria: Sorry.
Anita: It’s okay. I was beginning to think Tony was the girliest of the two of you.
Scene 6
(Same place)
Cop: Hello? This is immigration… Uh, I mean can I ask you some questions about Bernardo’s death?
Maria: Will it take long?
Cop: I’m asking the questions here. You answer.
Anita: Cut her some slack, jack.
Maria: Anita, I need my aspirin. Wink wink. Will you go to Docs and tell him I’ve been detained? Understand? Detained?
Anita: Detained. Oh. Your aspirin. The aspirin that you need. The aspirin that Doc has. The Doc who on an unrelated matter happens to be friends with you-know-who. The you-know-who who you LOVE. That makes sense. Perfect sense. Riiiiggghhhhttt.
(She Leaves)
Scene 7
(Doc’s Store)
Anita: Is Doc here?
Jets: I don’t know. Doc? Maybe if I just summon him up with my mind.
Anita: That’s not necessary. Is Tony here?
Jet: Why?
Anita: I need to see Tony.
Jets: Tony? We don’t know no Tony.
Anita: He’s about yay tall. Dresses in dresses. I’m sure you’ve seen him before.
Jet: Oh, that Tony. He ain't here.
Anita: He is too.
(Jets Jump on her, doing God knows what. Doc enters).
Doc: Heavens to Murgatroid!
Anita (now free): Tell Daisy in there that Maria won’t meet him. Chino lost his mind after hearing about the two of them and shot her. She’s dead. Dead! (Exits)
(Doc finds Tony)
Tony: Is that you, Maria?
Doc: Listen, Billy-
Tony: It’s Tony.
Doc: Look, Sam. That was Anita up there.
Tony: Did you interest her in some Smartieken?
Doc: What?
Tony: You know. The liquor with the Smarties floating around in it.
Doc: I think you’re making that up, Josh. But I got something awful to tell you. Anita said that Chino killed Maria. I’m sorry.
Tony: (crushed) Maria? My Maria? Dead? My little duck; dead? Oh I don’t want to live! (Breaks down, bawling)
Doc: There, there. How about you loan me your jacket?
Tony: She’s gone! The only girl I’ll ever love is dead! The only girl who mistook me for straight is gone! Gone!
Doc: Giving me your jacket will make you feel better.
Tony: (runs out of door) Chino! Come and kill me too!
Doc: Damn kids today. These kids with their one true loves and their sexual ambiguity. I remember where if a girl didn’t wear a dress to school, we could take her outside the city gates and stone her to death! Yeah, stonin’. Been bonin’ for a stonin’, we’d say. Ah, stones. Back in those days, stones were about two cents apiece, or balgippies, we’d call ‘em. And if you had four balgippies, you could trade ‘em for a muggletytop. (dozes off) zzzzzzzzz
Tony: (outside) Chino! I’m all alone. Poison me, drown me, pop me on the head, just as long as I’m not wriggling afterwards!
Maria (enters) Quack?
Tony: Maria? Maria! (Runs to her. Chino enters behind him, spraying cheese whiz onto Tony’s back)
Chino: Suck cheese whiz, butterball! (Tony collapses into Maria)
Maria: Tony? Tony? (Singing) Hold my hand and were halfway there. Hold my hand and I’ll take you there. Somehow. Somewhere.
Tony: You sound like I’m gonna die. (Dies)
Maria: All of you killed him. Each and every one of you pigs killed him! Not with pies and whiz but with hate! And jealousy! AND FOR MONEY! (Cries)
(Jets take a step forward)
Maria: No! Don’t go near him. He’s all right. (Goes to Tony's corpse and moves its mouth around, talks in man voice) Hello, Maria. It’s Tony. I’m not dead. Just cheeserific! (Maria realizes she cannot pretend and cries)
(Jets and Sharks carry Tony away)
Maria: I suppose the morals of this are as follows: optimism is for weenies and it doesn’t matter if you’re white or other.
The end
written by Malarie Piercy and Abby Rouse 2000
revision by Malarie Piercy 2005
(A narrator points the camera at his or her shoes)
Voice: Ah, yes. These are the coolest-- Oh! Um, West Side Story, written by Malarie Piercy and Abby Rouse (Pointing camera at our poster).
(Camera goes to Riff)
Riff: (Snap snap snap) Buy Gap!
(More Jets come on to the scene)
Jets: (Snap snap snap) Buy Gap
(Still more Jets come on the scene doing the same thing by twos till there are seven of them)
(A baseball flies by them and hits the fence. A Jet catches it. Guy walks up to them)
Guy: (Questioningly) Uh, buy Levis?
Jets: (Look at him like he’s stupid) Buy Gap! (Throw the ball to Guy and then dance around like they know what they’re doing, snapping as they go up and down alleys.)
(Sharks come up and fight with them.)
Baby John: Hey Jets! Hey Jets!
(Sharks beat up Baby John.)
(Jets come and beat up on Sharks.)
Voice: (in a sound that sounds nothing like a siren) woo ooh woo ooh.
Cops: (Even though there are only 2 of them, they split up the gangs.) If you want to kill each other, do it somewhere else! Understand?!
Bernardo: Would you mind translating that into Spanish?
Cop: You dirty...! (To baby John) Okay Baby John... which one of these dirty immigrants bloodied you?
Baby John: Um uh. Erm…
Riff: Oh! Uh excuse me Officer, but I do have the suspicion that it was a cop that done it.
Cop: DID IT! Don’t you kids learn English! The foreigners know it better than you do! Ugh I’m tired of this crap! Come along Krupke.
Krupke: So long boys.
(Cops and Sharks leave.)
Riff: That was close. (Whispers to himself) that was close...um uh... Oh no! I forgot my line. Leap! (Leaps into air as the other Jets clap.)
A-Jet: Best leap ever man.
Riff: (Proudly) Nothin'. We need to fight those Sharks again.
Anybodies: Hey Riff! Can I be in the gang?
Riff: Heck No!
Anybodies: Aw, why not?
Tiger: Go walk the street like your sister!
Anybodies: Oh yeah! Well at least I don’t go to my sister for fun!
Tiger: You can’t prove that!
Anybodies: They proved that Clinton did Monica; they can prove that you did my sister!
Nameless Whore: Hello Tiger, ready for another? It’ll only be two dollars this time.
Tiger: I told you I don’t want to do you; I’m not your trick! (Whispers to whore.) Meet me at 10 well do it in my car this time, not in the dumpster like before.
(Whore winks and leaves.)
Snowboy (Provider of snow; their crack monkey): Are the Sharks Mexican, Puerto Rican, Spanish?! I need to know! I NEED TO KNOW!!!
Riff: (Slaps Snowboy.) Who cares? I have to go find Tony.
A-Jet: (Does that finger quote thing.) But Tony's "responsible" now. He has a job. He's not a Jet.
Riff: (Singing) When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way! From your first visit to GAP to your last dying day! When you’re a Jet, if the spit hits the fan, you’ve got brothers around, you’re a family man.
Jets: You’re never alone, you’re never disconnected. You’re home with your own, when company’s expected you’re well protected. Then you are set with a capital J which you’ll never forget ‘till they cart you away. When you’re a Jet you stay a Jet.
(Music fades to background.)
Mouth Piece: Hey you need to challenge Nardo!
Riff: Okay! I’ll do it at the dance tonight.
(Continue singing)
Gee-Tar: When you’re a jet you’re the top man in town you’re the gold medal kid with a heavy-weight crown.
Action: When you're a Jet you’re the swingingest thing little boy you’re a man, little man you’re a king.
Jets: The Jets are in gear, our cylinders are clinking. The sharks will steer clear, cuz every Puerto Rican is a lousy chicken. Here come the Jets like a bat out of Hell. Um uh... leap! (They leap) Here come the jets let the world step aside. Better go underground better run better hide. We’re drawing the line, so keep your noses hidden. We’re hanging a sign, says visitors forbidden, and we ain’t kiddin' when you’re a Jet you stay a Jet!
A-Jet: It sounded better when Tony sang it with us.
Baby John: Yeah, but Tony dresses like a fag.
Diesel: So what! He wouldn’t have forgotten that one part.
Snowboy: Hey Riff here’s that snow you wanted.
Riff: Snow? (Sniffs it) Whoa. Hey. I don’t think that’s uh, conventional snow, if you know what I mean.
Snowboy: They don’t call me Snowboy just cause I’m a cracker. (Mocks riff) If you know what I mean.
Riff: Thank you Snowboy. I’ll save this for after school. I wanted to forget Longfellow and Keats anyway.
Snowboyd: Huh?
Riff: Well I gotta' go find Tony before I get high. See ya!
Scene 2
(Riff goes to see Tony at work.)
Riff: Hey Tony!
Tony: (Lifting bottles of Coke while dressed in drag.) Yeah Riff? (Twirls around to face Riff.) What do you think of my new outfit?
Riff: Why the Hell are you in drag?
Tony: Because I'm getting ready for the dance tonight.
Riff: (sarcastically) Uh huh, yeah left (as opposed to “yeah right”). I think you’re gay!
Tony: I am too! No wait! I mean I AM getting ready for the dance!
Riff: Uh huh, yeah. Well anyway, the rest of the Jets want you to fight the Sharks with us.
Tony: (Fagishly) Oh you silly, silly boy! You know I don't do that anymore! I might break a nail. Plus I’m responsible now.
Riff: (Whispers under his breath.) Fag. (Louder) Aw, come on! It'll be fun. Kicking those ethnic groups in the shins, pushing the other Jets around -- don’t you miss any of that?
Tony: No!
Riff: Oh just do it for old time's sake.
Tony: Okay, but you'll have to take me to the neighborhood dance and call me Tonya.
Riff: Um Tonya... You won't be like this at the fight, will you?
Tony: I'll act however you want me to act.
Riff: Act straight!
Tony: I'll try, but will I have to take my hands out of my pockets?
Riff: Hell no! You can’t show those painted finger nails in front of the gang! The Sharks would never let us Jets live it down. Even if they got their butts kicked by a guy wearing makeup!
Tony: Alright, and should I make my voice go deeper too?
Riff: (Sighs, annoyed) That’s straight enough, but how will you fight with your hands in your pockets? Eh, I’m sure you’ll think of something.
Scene 3
(Maria's place)
Maria: (Innocently) Do Americans dance like we do?
Anita: Quiet, you! I’m making your dress!
Maria: I want my dress to be sexy! Raise the hem by a foot, and lower the collar 4 inches.
Anita: (Humoring Maria) Okay (Pretends to make the changes in the dress.)
(Bernardo enters)
Bernardo: Ah, my two favorite girls. Are you ready to go?
Maria: Quack
Bernardo: What the!
Maria: Anita told me Americans quack.
Anita: Um... no I... didn't. (Her eyes dart back and forth.)
Maria: Quack
Bernardo: (Freaked out) Stop that! American's don't quack! Canadians do.
Maria: Oh okay! Let's go to Canada!
(Chino walks in dressed in Doc. Martins and a red and white letterman sweater. He has a comb-over hair cut [Richie Cunningham style] and he is humming a church hymn.)
Maria: Quack!
Chino: (Excitedly) Oh look! You've taught her to speak French!
Maria: It's not French! It's Canadian.
Chino: Oh yeah! That's right.
Bernardo: Damnit Chino. Stop trying to fit in so much with those pretty-boy, straightedge, square, white Americans.
(Awkward silence)
Anita: Oh yeah… Bernardo, I made Maria a dress so she could go to the dance.
Bernardo: Dance? What dance?
Anita: Don't tell me you forgot about the dance! (Starts cussing in Spanish)
Maria: Quack?
Anita: (to Maria) you’ll get to go Honey, don't worry.
(Continues fighting with Bernardo. Maria and Chino are left alone in the room, and they are uncomfortable with each other, so they don't say anything.)
Act 2: The dance
Riff: (With embarrassment) I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
Tony: Well you asked for it. Now stop complaining, and start dancing!
Riff: I hope the guys don't see me with you in drag like this. It'll hurt both of our reputations.
Tony: Hey! I heard that! And what's wrong with dressing and acting like a girl? At least I'm not gay!
Riff: I'm not gay either.
Tony: Neither am I!
Riff: But you act like it!
Tony: And is that a problem?
Riff: Not if you ARE a girl. Tony, you used to be one of the guys! What happened?
Tony: It got old Riff! I changed my ways. I'm not about fighting anymore! And if you can't handle that, I'm not going to rumble with you guys against the Sharks!
(Tony runs out of the room with his face in his hands, crying. He collides with Maria.)
Oh I'm sorry little girl.
Maria: Quack!
Tony: Wow! You know French!
Maria: No! It's Canadian!
Tony: Canadian for what?
Maria: I think you're cute.
Tony: I think you're cute too.
Maria: Can you keep a secret?
Tony: Only if it's juicy and about someone I know. (Giggles and jumps up and
down.)
Maria: I'm not white.
Tony: Omigod! (Getting over it rather quickly) Wanna' dance?
Maria: Quack!
Tony: Stop turning me on.
Maria: Quacking is a turn on?
Tony: Only when you do it, baby.
(Both do a strange duck mating ritualistic dance which includes a kiss that just so happens at the exact moment that Bernardo enters the room.)
Bernardo: I am not seeing this. Hey! What kind of a Satanic ritual are you doing on my sister! Girl… I told you not to trick these boys into selling their souls to Satan through ritualistic Voo Doo ceremonies! You’re grounded.
Riff: Hey! Leave Tony alone. He has special problems.
Bernardo: He's not handicapped enough to leave Maria alone.
Riff: Meet me at the Old Man's place tonight and we'll solve this there.
Bernardo: (Looking at Tony’s dress) Sorry, I’ve got a girlfriend.
(Anita and Maria exit, Tony follows undetected and unmissed by the other Jets)
Riff: I mean it! Meet us at the old man’s place to discuss the terms of the rumble.
Bernardo: Oh, so were going to go political on this thing.
Riff: Exactly!
Bernardo: It’s a deal. (Does a leap to show up Riff.)
Riff: (Does a leap but trips; Sharks laugh, Jets get pissed.)
A-Jet: Riff! You’re out of the family!
Riff: But when you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way. ALL THE WAY! Got that, A-Jet?
A-Jet: Oh you’ve been hanging around Tony too long. (Long pause) And stop making fun of my name!
Scene 2
(Anita and Maria walking home [Tony follows undetected])
Anita: Maria what have I told you about drag queens?
Maria: Um Uh
Anita: That’s what I thought.
(Maria and Anita go home.)
Tony: (Takes out his notebook and says as he writes) Girl’s name is Maria. (Sings) Maria the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. (Echoes: Quack quack quack) All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word. (Echoes: Quack quack quack quack quack) MARIA!
Random Homeless Guy: Shut up! I’m trying to get some sleep.
Tony: (singing still) I’ve just met a girl named Maria! And suddenly that name will never be the same to me. Maria! I’ve just kissed a girl named Maria! And suddenly I found how wonderful a sound can be< Maria! Say it loud and there’s music playing. Say it soft, and it’s almost like praying. Maria I’ll never stop saying Maria(music ends)
Tony: Hey Maria! Oh damnit! I’ve lost them!
(Shout whispers to every window) Maria! Answer me! This has to be the right place. It’s the ghetto, for goodness sake. All Mexicans, Cubans, other live in the ghetto. Maria!!!!
Maria: What’s wrong with you? You want the whole neighborhood to hear? Oh well. You found me.
Tony: Yeah. Quack some more.
Maria: They’ll hear me.
Tony: I’m not afraid.
Maria: You should be. Bernardo was pretty pissed off.
Tony: It’s better than being pissed on.
Maria: Ribbit.
Tony: Exactly! No wait. What?
Maria: I’m speaking the language of the boy I love.
Tony: I don’t ribbit.
Maria: Oh. Okay then how about…(starts singing) Only you, you’re the only thing I see forever! In my eyes, in my words and in everything I do nothing else but you ever.
Tony: And there’s nothing for me but Maria! Every sight that I see is Maria!
Maria: Tony, Tony.
Tony: Always you every thought I’ll ever know. Everywhere I go you’ll be!
Maria: Except for when I go to Old Navy.
Both: You and me!
Maria: Tonight, tonight. It all began tonight. I saw you and the world went away. Tonight, tonight there’s only GAP tonight. What you wear, what you do, what you say.
Tony: Today all day I had the feeling, a miracle would happen. I know now I was right. For here you are and what was just a world is a star. Tonight! (Kiss passionately)
Both: Tonight, tonight the world is full of light with suns and moons all over the place! Tonight, tonight the world is wild and bright! Going to the GAP, and shooting stars into space.
Tony: Today! All day before I met you I hated Old Navy. I know now that I was naïve! For here you are, and what used to be the GAP is just a store.
Both: To- night.
(end music)
Maria: Let’s have a meeting tomorrow where I work.
Tony: Why would I go to a business meeting?
Maria: No I mean, let’s meet tomorrow where I work.
Tony: But I’ve already met you.
Maria: Let’s hang out tomorrow at my place of business.
Tony: That won’t be any good, considering I don’t know where you work!
Maria: The bridal shop. It’s right across the street.
Tony: You mean I have to visit the ghetto again?
Maria: Kinda.
Tony: Habia una vez, el conejo corre.
Maria: Once upon a time, the rabbit ran?
Tony: It’s all the Spanish I know.
Maria: Te amo.
Tony: (repeats his rabbit phrase)
Maria: Yo querido.
Tony: (repeats the rabbit phrase).
Maria: Goodnight, Tony. Tony? What’s Tony stand for?
Tony: Truth, justice, and the Nazi way.
Maria: No, no. What’s the name stand for?
Tony: Uh. Tony.
Maria: You mean you don’t know.
Tony: Screw it. It’s a nickname for Tonya. Now I have to go leap.
Maria: I love you, Tonya!
Tony: You too.
Scene 3
(Bernardo and Anita)
Anita: What is your problem, El Stupido? Don’t you want Maria to have a good time in America?
Bernardo: Not if it means she dances with some guy in a dress.
Anita: She’s already speaking Canadian. She’s watched the naked channel. There can’t be much more wrong with her.
Bernardo(pissed): She was with a guy in a dress!
Anita: Remember Leslie in Puerto Rico?
Bernardo: Sad day when we found out Leslie was a man.
Anita: America’s so much better.
(About 10 random Latina girls just crawl out of the woodwork.)
Girls (singing): I like to be in America. You can buy Gap in America. Everything’s free in America.
Guys: For a small fee in America.
Bernardo: When will I go back to San Juan?
Girls: When will you shut up and get gone?
Bernardo: Everyone there will give big cheer.
Anita: Everyone there will have moved here.
Girls: We can buy Gap and it looks nice.
Guys: One look at us and they charge twice
Anita: Na na na na na America. You can buy Gap in America.
Girls: Industry booms in America.
Guys: Twelve to a room in America.
(Anita brilliantly leaps and everyone shouts ole.)
(End music)
Act3
(At the meeting place, Doc’s candy store, Tony and Riff walk in. Bernardo, Chino, Random Sharks, and all the Jets are already there.)
Bernardo: Jeez Riff! It took you long enough – oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t notice that you had your boyfriend with you.
Riff: Why I oughtta’!
Bernardo: Now that were all alone, we’ll pretend were middle-aged businessmen.
Chino: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Shark: Calm down, Chino. (Chino grins and laughs in a scary way.)
Riff: Back to business. What weapons do you want to bring?
Bernardo: Any and all.
Tony: What about a rumble where we make fun of cherry pies?
Bernardo: How about you sober up your girl, Riff.
Tony: How about you lick me? In pies, that is! WE each make a pie and have your strongest guy eat one, our strongest guy eats one, and whoever wins gets the other gang’s territory ‘till Judgment Day.
Bernardo (smiling): I volunteer myself.
Chino: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Bernardo: It’s a pie eating contest, Chino.
Chino: Eat! Eat! Eat!
Riff: Our nameless Jet will go against you.
Bernardo: But I thought I’d be against… (Looks at Tony.)
Riff: It’s the nameless Jet or nothing at all, Nardo.
Bernardo: Bernardo and I accept. We’ll do this in old Mrs. Beanblossom’s backyard beside the rose bush.
Riff: Huh?
Bernardo: Then you think of somewhere! (Leaps)
Riff: (to nameless Jet) Did he just refer to himself in the third person? AND plural?
(Tony leaps. Shark leaps)
Chino: Leap! Leap! Leap!
Doc: (Comes up the basement stairs.) Shut up! (Under his breath) God you can’t teach kids anything these days. Oy. When I was your age, there was a war goin’ on, and it cost just one nickel to go to the movies for four hours! Shackelsteins, we called ‘em back then. Had to go up the hill both ways just to get to the shakelstein house. “Shack up with me!” we used-ta say. But you kids now with your Vietnam war, and women’s lib, and civil rights, and I Love Lucy (dozes off) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Scene 2
(Maria's place of business. It is the next day)
Maria: (singing) I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay. And I pity any girl who isn’t me today. I feel charming oh so charming. It’s alarming how charming I feel and so pretty and I hardly can believe I’m real. I feel stunning and entrancing. Feel like running and dancing for joy. For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy!
(music ends)
Anita: What’s wrong with you?
Maria: Pay attention, Anita. Do I have to sing the song again?
Anita: I hope not.
Maria: good. (Dances around, quietly quacking)
Anita: Did Chino ask you out or something?
Maria: Who?
Anita: Never mind. Just keep doing those leaps. You need the practice.
Maria: I know. Why don’t you leave early and I’ll lock up?
Anita: Oh no you don’t. We’ve caught you embezzling before.
Maria: I told you. The money was choking and needed CPR.
Anita: And while you were giving it CPR, did you have to say, “I’m in the money. I’m in the money”?
Maria: Just go, Anita. I won’t do anything bad.
Tony (entering, leaping): I learned a new Spanish phrase! Buenas noches.
Anita: (to Maria) Even you can do better than that.
Maria: I can explain.
Anita: That would be a fun few seconds of lies.
Tony: Don’t tell, Anita. I’ve just come to hold her hand and giggle with her.
Anita: That would explain the dress.
Maria: Pleeeaaassse? Oh puhleeze? With an alcoholic pina colada on top?
Anita: (giving up) I’ll give you 15 minutes.
Maria: Trust me. That’s all we’ll need.
Tony: What’s that supposed to mean?
Anita (laughing): Nothing. I’ll keep your secret.
Maria: Gracias, Anita.
Anita: Quiet, you!
(Anita exits)
Tony: I can understand Spanish! She said, Quiet you!
Maria: Rriiiggghhhhhtttt.
Tony: Well now it’s just us. What do you do here?
Maria: It’s a bridal shop but I supervise the First Aid kits.
Tony: Why?
Maria: To keep the wedding party safe.
Tony: Oh. Which dress is yours?
Maria: Um… none. I work here. Work. Wwwooorrrkkk.
Tony: You’re going to be proud of me.
Maria: How’s that?
Tony: I arranged a fight with no weapons. (Giggles wildly)
Maria: A fight? No fight is good for us. Fights make people grouchy and then they won’t take their naps. And if there is a fight, I’ll have to bring the First Aid kits, and I’d rather just play Halo.
Tony: Well, looks like I’ll just have to stop it altogether then.
Maria: Will you wear pants next time I see you?
Tony: I’ll have to think about it. See, I don’t shave my legs and if I wore shorts... Oh! You said pants.
Maria (confused): I’m not sure I should see you anymore.
Tony: But I’m a patriotic, healthy, normal American boy! (Starts marching and singing the song)
Maria: Wrong musical.
Tony: Say that again.
Maria: This is West Side Story.
Tony: (looks at camera) Oh yeah (leaps) Jets!
Maria (runs to hug him): Oh you’re just the best white boy ever! (Smooches him)
Tony: (blushing) Oh I am not.
Maria: Yes you are. You’re cuter than Riff and the other Jets and they are the only non Puerto Ricans in this show.
Tony: You have a point. I guess you’re right. But I have a rumble to stop. Later, Maria.
(Exits)
Act 4
The Jets (singing): The Jets are gonna have their day tonight! We will not act so gay tonight! That Puerto Rican punk will go down and when he’s hollered uncle, well tear up the town. Tonight!
The Sharks (singing): Were gonna rock it tonight. Were gonna jazz it up and have us a ball tonight! Well they began it! And were the ones to stop it once and for all tonight!
Anita (singing): Anita’s gonna get her kicks tonight. Well have a private little mix tonight. He'll come in hot and tired. So what? Don’t matter if he’s dying as long as he’s hot. Tonight!
Tony (singing): Tonight. Tonight. I walk a lot tonight. Tonight there will be no morning star. Tonight, tonight, I'll see my duck tonight and for us, quacks will stop where they are!
Maria (singing): Today the minutes seem like hours. The ducklings swim so slowly and soon it will be night. Oh quack, quack bright. And make this endless day endless night. Tonight!
Sharks and Jets (singing): We’\re gonna’ hand them a surprise tonight. We’re gonna’ get a rise tonight. They said a fair fight no tricks. But just in case they jump us were ready to mix. Tonight!
All: Today the minutes seem like hours the hours fly so slowly and soon it will be night. Oh moon, grow bright and make this endless day endless night. Tonight!
Scene 2
(open ground at the rumble)
Riff: First we shake.
(Bernardo spits on him)
Riff: That could have poked my eye out you little spick!
Bernardo: (mocking) Ooh. My eye. My poor eye. Oh dearest eye! (In his regular voice) you Americans are all the same. Let’s get ready to rumble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tony (entering): Wait! Wait! We don’t have to fight. I brought enough pies for everyone.
Jets: Get outta' here Tony. Let us handle this.
Bernardo: Let Nancy fight his own battles. You and me, Sarah Lee.
Tony: There’s no reason for it.
Bernardo: (doing his hand like a draw-on puppet and talks in a high pitched voice) Hi, I’m Tony. I like tacos and burritos!
(other Sharks laugh)
Tony: (doing his hand like a draw-on puppet and talks in a high pitched voice) Hi, I’m Bernardo. I like pot roast and Jiffy Pop and every night I watch Donna Reed.
Bernardo (fuming, he gets ready to stick his hand back out again, but Riff cuts him off)
Riff: Enough talk. I’m hungry. Hungry for blood! (Smacks a pie into Bernardo.)
Shark: Rumble! (All fight as Tony tries to break it up.)
Tony: No!
(Bernardo whips out a spoon. Riff does the same. Both circle each other until Bernardo stabs the spoon into Riff’s gut. Riff yells in pain. Tony runs to his side and Riff dies in Tony’s arms.)
Bernardo: Ay Ay Ay!
Tony: (Growls and digs the spoon into Bernardo.)
Bernardo (in pain): I regret nothing! (Dies)
Voice: woo oo woo oo (imitating a police siren.)
Jet: Cops! Bad boys, whatcha' gonna do? You better get out of here Tony!
Tony: (Looking at the dead bodies) Omigod. Omigod. (Panics) Maria!
Jets: No, it’s pronounced meringue not Maria. Don’t think about lemon meringue, Tony. Just leave.
(All leave. Tony is last to go.)
Scene 3
(Maria’s house)
Maria (Dancing the duck mating dance by herself): Someday I’ll be Mrs. Tony… Uh that’s funny. What is his last name? He’s just Tony. Gasp! I’m just Maria! I can’t let the audience know this. I know! A brilliant leap will solve everything!
(Before she gets a chance, Chino enters)
Chino: Maria…
Maria: Exactly. Just Maria. I don’t know my last name either.
Chino: I hate my name.
Maria: I know. It totally sucks. And it doesn’t go well with your cute little white-boy ensemble. (Under her breath) Square.
Chino: I also hate the news I have to tell you. At the rumble…
Maria: There was no rumble.
Chino: I’m bloody, I’m hurt, and I have terrible news. Uh, yeah Maria, there was a rumble.
Maria: You’re also sticky.
Chino: There was a rumble!
Maria: Gasp! Is Tony okay? Chino, is Tony okay? If he’s hurt, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Who would I quack for?
Chino: Tony? Tony! Tony! He killed your brother, you nerd! (Storms out angrily)
Maria: My brother? Oh no! Please don’t let it be true! Don’t let it be true!
Tony (enters behind her): I’m afraid it is.
Maria: How could this happen?
Tony: It’s a contemporary retelling of Romeo and Juliet. Bad things have to happen. I’m sorry.
Maria: If only we could get away. Into a light hearted musical. “I’ve got rhythm, I’ve got music.” (sniffs sadly) I’d even be okay being “Cats.”
Tony: (holds her) Let’s go.
Maria: Where?
Tony: Someplace warm. Someplace inviting. Someplace where white men aren’t supposed to work hard and where illegal immigrants like yourself can get rich in a matter of days. Someplace where we can be treated as equals. Someplace like where Audrey sang about in her daydream sequence of Little Shop of Horrors.
Maria: Canada!
Both (singing): There’s a place for us. Somewhere a place for us. Peace and quiet and open air. Wait for us somewhere. There’s a time for us. A time and place for us. Time together with time to spare. Time to love. Time to care. Someday. Somewhere. We’ll find a new way of living. Well find a way of forgiving. Somewhere. There’s a place for us. A time and place for us. Hold my hand and were halfway there. Hold my hand and Ill take you there. Somehow. Someday. Somewhere.
(They smooch and topple onto Maria’s bed)
(Music ends)
Scene 4
(The ghetto)
Snowboy: What’s the matta' with you?
A-Jet: (crying) I’m cryin' man.
Snowboy: I’ll go get you some snow.
A-Jet: No. I’m sad about Riff and Bernardo. I’m scared for Tony. And it is much too hot for it to snow this time of year.
Others: Just play it cool. (All white characters except Tony and Riff appear and snap their fingers)
All (singing): Boy, boy. Crazy boy. Be cool, boy. Gotta rocket in your pocket. Keep really cool, boy. Go man go but not like a yoyo schoolboy. Just play it cool, boy. Real cool.
(all dance) Crazy! (other group) Cool! Cool! Go! Crazy! Cool! Go! (All exit one by one; music fades.)
A-Jet: Wait, if we play it cool will that make it snow?
Scene 5
(Tony and Maria)
Tony: How’s your toothpick?
Maria (acting like she’s smoking it): Smoooooth. Quack.
(Anita knocks on door)
Anita: Maria? Can I talk to you?
Maria: No! Go away!
Tony: She’ll suspect.
Maria: Come in.
Tony: I’m still here!
Maria: I don’t know. Whatever you think.
Anita: You don’t sound so good.
Tony: Meet me at Doc’s. Well leave together from there. (Hugs her goodbye and leaves out window.)
(Anita enters)
Anita: I heard him. He was in here. You Latina traitor!
Maria: That’s not true!
Anita (singing): A boy like that. He kill your brother. Forget that boy. Find another. One of your own kind. Stick to your own kind. A boy who kills cannot love. A boy who kills has no heart. Yet he’s the boy who has your love who has your heart. Very smart, Maria, very smart.
Maria (singing): Oh no Anita no. It’s true for you. Not for me. I hear your words and they sound smart. But my heart, Anita, but my heart!
(Music ends abruptly)
Anita: Oh, I’m tired. You can’t rhyme and I believe you. (They hold hands which makes Anita very uncomfortable). You’re holding my hands.
Maria: Sorry.
Anita: It’s okay. I was beginning to think Tony was the girliest of the two of you.
Scene 6
(Same place)
Cop: Hello? This is immigration… Uh, I mean can I ask you some questions about Bernardo’s death?
Maria: Will it take long?
Cop: I’m asking the questions here. You answer.
Anita: Cut her some slack, jack.
Maria: Anita, I need my aspirin. Wink wink. Will you go to Docs and tell him I’ve been detained? Understand? Detained?
Anita: Detained. Oh. Your aspirin. The aspirin that you need. The aspirin that Doc has. The Doc who on an unrelated matter happens to be friends with you-know-who. The you-know-who who you LOVE. That makes sense. Perfect sense. Riiiiggghhhhttt.
(She Leaves)
Scene 7
(Doc’s Store)
Anita: Is Doc here?
Jets: I don’t know. Doc? Maybe if I just summon him up with my mind.
Anita: That’s not necessary. Is Tony here?
Jet: Why?
Anita: I need to see Tony.
Jets: Tony? We don’t know no Tony.
Anita: He’s about yay tall. Dresses in dresses. I’m sure you’ve seen him before.
Jet: Oh, that Tony. He ain't here.
Anita: He is too.
(Jets Jump on her, doing God knows what. Doc enters).
Doc: Heavens to Murgatroid!
Anita (now free): Tell Daisy in there that Maria won’t meet him. Chino lost his mind after hearing about the two of them and shot her. She’s dead. Dead! (Exits)
(Doc finds Tony)
Tony: Is that you, Maria?
Doc: Listen, Billy-
Tony: It’s Tony.
Doc: Look, Sam. That was Anita up there.
Tony: Did you interest her in some Smartieken?
Doc: What?
Tony: You know. The liquor with the Smarties floating around in it.
Doc: I think you’re making that up, Josh. But I got something awful to tell you. Anita said that Chino killed Maria. I’m sorry.
Tony: (crushed) Maria? My Maria? Dead? My little duck; dead? Oh I don’t want to live! (Breaks down, bawling)
Doc: There, there. How about you loan me your jacket?
Tony: She’s gone! The only girl I’ll ever love is dead! The only girl who mistook me for straight is gone! Gone!
Doc: Giving me your jacket will make you feel better.
Tony: (runs out of door) Chino! Come and kill me too!
Doc: Damn kids today. These kids with their one true loves and their sexual ambiguity. I remember where if a girl didn’t wear a dress to school, we could take her outside the city gates and stone her to death! Yeah, stonin’. Been bonin’ for a stonin’, we’d say. Ah, stones. Back in those days, stones were about two cents apiece, or balgippies, we’d call ‘em. And if you had four balgippies, you could trade ‘em for a muggletytop. (dozes off) zzzzzzzzz
Tony: (outside) Chino! I’m all alone. Poison me, drown me, pop me on the head, just as long as I’m not wriggling afterwards!
Maria (enters) Quack?
Tony: Maria? Maria! (Runs to her. Chino enters behind him, spraying cheese whiz onto Tony’s back)
Chino: Suck cheese whiz, butterball! (Tony collapses into Maria)
Maria: Tony? Tony? (Singing) Hold my hand and were halfway there. Hold my hand and I’ll take you there. Somehow. Somewhere.
Tony: You sound like I’m gonna die. (Dies)
Maria: All of you killed him. Each and every one of you pigs killed him! Not with pies and whiz but with hate! And jealousy! AND FOR MONEY! (Cries)
(Jets take a step forward)
Maria: No! Don’t go near him. He’s all right. (Goes to Tony's corpse and moves its mouth around, talks in man voice) Hello, Maria. It’s Tony. I’m not dead. Just cheeserific! (Maria realizes she cannot pretend and cries)
(Jets and Sharks carry Tony away)
Maria: I suppose the morals of this are as follows: optimism is for weenies and it doesn’t matter if you’re white or other.
The end
Friday, December 29, 2006
Christopher Walken
Christopher Walken is magic
I just saw him fly in that Fatboy Slim video
And he dances too
Makes me wonder just how much of that he made up himself
He used to be a dancer on stage
Then he persued bigger roles
It is possible that he made that dance up by himself
Christopher Walken is super creepy as well
Look at the characters he plays
He is they mayor of Gotham City
And he is a creepy janitor
And he is an android
Fucking creepy shit
I'm sleepy
Beth is watching me type
And she thinks I'm crazy
It's true
CW is MAGIC!
I just saw him fly in that Fatboy Slim video
And he dances too
Makes me wonder just how much of that he made up himself
He used to be a dancer on stage
Then he persued bigger roles
It is possible that he made that dance up by himself
Christopher Walken is super creepy as well
Look at the characters he plays
He is they mayor of Gotham City
And he is a creepy janitor
And he is an android
Fucking creepy shit
I'm sleepy
Beth is watching me type
And she thinks I'm crazy
It's true
CW is MAGIC!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Guitar hero II
i went out and bought guitar hero 2 over the weekend, and i beat it on medium the very first night. sadly though, i think that in graduating up to the hard level, the game gets too hard too fast. but that's just me, and i suck at the game. My cousin and his friends are really good at it, and they picked it up on expert and went to town on it. I really like how this game is set up in comparison to the last game. there are many more options than before. one revolutionary option is that you can play different parts of the songs in the practice mode in order to get them nailed. Another awesome feature is that you can play guitar or bass guitar when you are going head to head in the two player mode. I just think that this game is a lot of fun, and it is a great way to spend your time. It develops hand eye coordination as well as not promoting violence. It is also all kinds of fun, and teaches you about classic rock which can lead to verious other things.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Lord of the Bean
Lord of the Bean is a Veggie Tales knock off of Lord of the rings, and I'll tell you what! It was better than all three of those movies combined. Little Junior Asperagus plays a would be Frodo, and instead of the ring that controls everything, it is a bean that will give you anything that you wish for. Junior is set on not using his gift until he knows what he is supposed to use it for. He and Randalf (Mr. Nezzer the Pickle) and other friends set off on a journey to find out how Junior should use his gift. Little do they know, Lord ScareyMan is hot on their trail with an army of Sporks. Will Junior survive? Will he find out what his gift is for?
Of course! It's a kids show. He's not going to die. And he'll probably learn something along the way. Those sporks are really scarey though.
Of course! It's a kids show. He's not going to die. And he'll probably learn something along the way. Those sporks are really scarey though.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
The Typical Lunch
On Tuesday, Abby and Malarie were having their typical lunch, at their usual table. They knew that soon, Marci and Daniel would wander in. Like they usually do. This day, however, they were a bit later than normal.
Everything went as usual, like it normally did. They ate, Malarie begged, and they all talked about marching band, a big part in most of their lives.
"So Abby," started Mal, "how do you feel, being the only non-marching band member at the table?"
"Well," Abby started slowly, " I used to be okay with it, but now I'm very insecure. Thank you Mal for making me paranoid!"
Malarie just laughed, and she hung her head to hide her laughter from the rest of the world. Her face turned red, and she started gasping for air, as what generally was done at the table when they exchanged running gags, and made new inside jokes.
"Don't die Mal." Joked Abby. This only made it worse, and soon Malarie was coughing, and her ribcage started to hurt. Daniel and Marci didn't seem to get the joke, and of all people, they should have. They were the ones who were going back to band for another season. They seemed as though they didn't even know what band was. They played it off pretty well though. No one even noticed anything until they, Daniel and Marci, started eating.
Every day at lunch, Daniel would accompany every bite he took with the usual sound of "ahm." Today, he seemingly ate like a normal person. Because Mal has attention deficit disorder, she tends to grab detail as a result of not paying attention to any one thing for an extended period of time, and she picked up on the unusual serenity of Daniel's eating habits. She leaned in towards Abby to whisper this queer findind in her ear.
"Abby, watch. Daniel isn't saying 'ahm.'" They both watched as Daniel took a soundless bite of a french fry.
"Oh my God, he didn't say 'ahm.'" said Abby.
"Well thank you Captain Obvious for that stunning report!" said Mal. "I know that! I told you! I think there's something wrong with this picture here."
"That can't really be Daniel." Noted Abby.
"That can't really be Marci either!" exclaimed Malarie. "Look! she bought her own food! They both bought their own food! Imposters I tell you! Imposters!"
"Just pretend like we know nothing. We'll be safer that way." sais Abby.
"Ask them a question that only they would know the answer to." suggested Malarie.
"Yeah okay, how about,"Marci, what's you'r name?"
"Right, like that'll work." Criticized Malarie. "Ask them about their pets. Yeah, ask Marci about her cats."
"Good idea, but we'd have to fit it into conversation. I can't just start out saying 'cats cats cats.' when they're talking about 'band band band." said Abby.
"Ah ha! I see." Mal said, pondering over what they should do about their little delimma. "So, Abby," said Mal, very loud and cotrney. "Do you have a dog?" she asked even though she already knew the answer.
"Why no, Mal, I don't have a dog." answered Abby, mocking Mal's tone.
"I think you should ask Marci about her cats; ask her what their names are." Mal suggested to abby in the same cheesy tone that this conversation began with.
Then Daniel piped up, and said, "That are you guys doing? You're being really weird!" That did is for Malarie.
"See! I told you it wasn't really Daniel!" she screamed. "If it were, he would have known that we always act so strangely!" She pointed to Daniel. "Imposter! Who are you, and what have you done with the real Daniel?" she demanded. Then Marci joined in and started pelting Malarie with french fries.
"Mal you psycho, calm down!"
"And you! You are in on it too! I'm on to your little secret! I'm going to expose you!" cried Mal.
"Oh no!" Marci said overdramatising, "Anything but that! I must stop you!" She continued throwing fires at Malarie. "Feel the wrath of the french fries!"
At this, they all bursted into laughter. Their game was done for the day, and the lunchbell rang. Another typically usual day at Ben Davis High School.
Everything went as usual, like it normally did. They ate, Malarie begged, and they all talked about marching band, a big part in most of their lives.
"So Abby," started Mal, "how do you feel, being the only non-marching band member at the table?"
"Well," Abby started slowly, " I used to be okay with it, but now I'm very insecure. Thank you Mal for making me paranoid!"
Malarie just laughed, and she hung her head to hide her laughter from the rest of the world. Her face turned red, and she started gasping for air, as what generally was done at the table when they exchanged running gags, and made new inside jokes.
"Don't die Mal." Joked Abby. This only made it worse, and soon Malarie was coughing, and her ribcage started to hurt. Daniel and Marci didn't seem to get the joke, and of all people, they should have. They were the ones who were going back to band for another season. They seemed as though they didn't even know what band was. They played it off pretty well though. No one even noticed anything until they, Daniel and Marci, started eating.
Every day at lunch, Daniel would accompany every bite he took with the usual sound of "ahm." Today, he seemingly ate like a normal person. Because Mal has attention deficit disorder, she tends to grab detail as a result of not paying attention to any one thing for an extended period of time, and she picked up on the unusual serenity of Daniel's eating habits. She leaned in towards Abby to whisper this queer findind in her ear.
"Abby, watch. Daniel isn't saying 'ahm.'" They both watched as Daniel took a soundless bite of a french fry.
"Oh my God, he didn't say 'ahm.'" said Abby.
"Well thank you Captain Obvious for that stunning report!" said Mal. "I know that! I told you! I think there's something wrong with this picture here."
"That can't really be Daniel." Noted Abby.
"That can't really be Marci either!" exclaimed Malarie. "Look! she bought her own food! They both bought their own food! Imposters I tell you! Imposters!"
"Just pretend like we know nothing. We'll be safer that way." sais Abby.
"Ask them a question that only they would know the answer to." suggested Malarie.
"Yeah okay, how about,"Marci, what's you'r name?"
"Right, like that'll work." Criticized Malarie. "Ask them about their pets. Yeah, ask Marci about her cats."
"Good idea, but we'd have to fit it into conversation. I can't just start out saying 'cats cats cats.' when they're talking about 'band band band." said Abby.
"Ah ha! I see." Mal said, pondering over what they should do about their little delimma. "So, Abby," said Mal, very loud and cotrney. "Do you have a dog?" she asked even though she already knew the answer.
"Why no, Mal, I don't have a dog." answered Abby, mocking Mal's tone.
"I think you should ask Marci about her cats; ask her what their names are." Mal suggested to abby in the same cheesy tone that this conversation began with.
Then Daniel piped up, and said, "That are you guys doing? You're being really weird!" That did is for Malarie.
"See! I told you it wasn't really Daniel!" she screamed. "If it were, he would have known that we always act so strangely!" She pointed to Daniel. "Imposter! Who are you, and what have you done with the real Daniel?" she demanded. Then Marci joined in and started pelting Malarie with french fries.
"Mal you psycho, calm down!"
"And you! You are in on it too! I'm on to your little secret! I'm going to expose you!" cried Mal.
"Oh no!" Marci said overdramatising, "Anything but that! I must stop you!" She continued throwing fires at Malarie. "Feel the wrath of the french fries!"
At this, they all bursted into laughter. Their game was done for the day, and the lunchbell rang. Another typically usual day at Ben Davis High School.
A Report on Charles Schulz
Malarie Piercy
Junior Literature and Composition
Final Draft
14 April 2002
Junior Literature and Composition
Final Draft
14 April 2002
Charles Schulz
A great American is anyone who has impacted America in a big way. People who have majorly impacted American culture, or have captured and depicted it in creative ways are truly great Americans. Charles Schulz influenced and captured the diversity of American civilization when he developed his comic strip, "Peanuts." Through his creation, Schulz has impacted American society for over 50 years. With his career, his creation, and his legacy, Schulz has come to be a truly great American.
Schulz, through the years, has had many diverse jobs. The thing is, though, they have all centered themselves around the same thing, art. Schulz started out by teaching at an art instruction school in Saint Paul, Minnesots. Another early job of his was lettering cartoons for a religious periodical. Later on in life, Schulz served in World War II. This is where he developed a comic strip of his own, "Li'l Folks." Unlike most syndicated cartoonists, Schulz worked without any artistic assistants. In 1950, United Features bought the copyright to his strip, and they distributed it under the title, "Peanuts" (http://encarta.msn.com). United Media now owns the copyright to "Peanuts," and they received $84.9 million in 1998 from the comics, TV shows, and licensing deals that put the characters on everything from lunch boxes to life insurance ads. Schulz earned more than $30 million a year from the strip, but he had never bought the copyright back (http://abcnews.go.com).
"Peanuts" is a comic strip that cuts across demographics. I'm not sure that any comic will ever be as popular," says David Astor, who writes about syndicated news for Editor and Publisher magazine. Of some 220 syndicated strips today, "Garfield," by Jim Davis, is the one that comes closest to being as popular as "Peanuts" (www.scripps.com). This comes as no surprise to most of the readers. The characters are just so diverse. Charlie Brown wins your heart with his losing ways. It always rains on his parade, his baseball game, and his life. Although he's concerned with the meaning of life, his friends sometimes call him "blockhead." Even though we all know that he will neer win anything, we still love him, zigzagged yellow sweater and all. Sally Brown, Charlie Brown's sister was accepted by Charlie Brown the day she was born. He even passed out chocolate cigars. Ever since then, he's been trying to understand her. Sally always looks for the easy way out. She has a cute schoolgirl crush on Linus, her "Sweet Babboo" and her brother's best friend. Snoopy, Charlie Brown's dog, is a beagle with a split personality complex. Joe Cool, WWI Flying Ace, Literary Ace, Flash Beagle, Vulture, and Foreign Legionnaire are among some of his favorite fantisies. He hinks of Charlie Brown as "that round headed kid who brings me my supper dish". Woodstock is the smallest of the "Peanuts" characters but has a big presence for a little bird. He's a little inept, his flying and logi are erratic, but he can type and take short hand, and he is usually game for anything that Snoopy wants to do. Linus Van Pelt inspired the term "security blanket". He is the intellectual of the gang, and flabbergasts his friends with his philosophical revelations and solutions to problems. He suffers abuse from his big sister, Lucy, and the unwanted attentions of Charlie Brown's little sister Sally. He is a paradox; despite his age, he can put life into perspective while sucking his thumb. He knows the true meaning of Christmas while continuing to believe in the Great Pumpkin. Lucy Van Pelt works hard at being bossy, crabby and selfish. She is loud and yells a lot. HEr smiles and motives are rarely pure. She's a know-it-all who dispenses advice whether you want it or not -- and for Charlie Brown, theres's a charge. She's a fussbudget, in the true sense of the word. She's a real grouch, with only one or two soft spots, and both of them may be Schroeder, who prefers Beethoven. As she sees it, hers is the only way. The absense of logic in her arguments holds a kind of shining lunacy. When it comes to compliments, Lucy only likes receiving them. If she's paying one -- or even smiling -- she's probably up to something devious. Rerun Van Pelt is often mistaken for Linus even though he's his little brother. He can always be recognized in his trademark overalls. Rerun is more skeptical than his brother, much harder to convince, and always gets around Lucy where Linus gives in. His only fear is being the passenger on one of his mother's bicycle-riding errands. Somehow, Rerun is the only witness to her riding into grates and potholes. Luckily, he always wears a helmet. Rerun also longs for a dog of his own, but since his parents won't let him have one; he tries to "borrow" Snoopy from Charlie Brown. Snoopy won' have any part of it unless Rerun brings cookies. Schroeder, who idolizes beethoven, brought classical music to the "Peanuts" strip. Reserved and usually unruffled, Schroeder reacts only when Woodstock tries to make his grand piano into a playground, or when Lucy seeks to make it her courting grounds. The latter can lead to minor violence. Peppermint Patty is a pro on the baseball diamond, bit in the classroom, she's a D-minus all the way. Bold, brash and tomboyish, what she lacks in common sense she makes up for in sincerity. She's the only one who calls Charlie Brown "Chuck." Oblivious to much that goes on around her, for a long time she seemed unaware that "the funny-looking kid who plays shortstop" was a beagle. She has trouble staying awake in class; most of her waking hours in the schoolroom are spent analyzing the probability patterns of true-false tests. Marcie is Peppermint Patty's best friend. From the moment they met at summer camp, Marcie has called Peppermint Patty "Sir" out of admiartion of her misguided manners. An unlikely pair, they seem to have nothing in common yet that is what makes their friendship so genuine Marcie is the smartest of the "Peanuts" gang, but also the most naive. SHe's always willing to help out her friend with schoolwork, and she's not above sharing test answers or caling her on the phone to remind her of homework assignments. There is an innocence to Marcie, and Peppermint Patty is her protector. Marcie is also completely inept when it comes to sports, yet they still let her play on the baseball team. If Marcie and Peppermint Patty ever have a falling out, it's likely over Charlie Brown, whom they both secretly love. Pig Pen made his debut in the "Peanuts" comic strip on July 13, 1954 and simce then, has been the butt of "dirt" gags. He walks around in a cloud of dust, sprinkling dirt on all he comes in contact with. Pig Pen is happily messy. he doesn't try to explain it, hide it, or fight it. For him, it's just a fact of life. Franklin met Charlie Brown at the beach in 1968. They'd never met before because they went to different schools, but they had fun playing ball so Charlie Brown inited Franklin to visit him at his house across town for another play session. Later, Franklin turned up as center-fielder on Perppermint Patty's baseball team and sits in front of her school. Franklin is thoughtul and can quote Old Testament as effectively as Linus. In contrast with the other characters, Franklin has the fewest anxieties and obsessions. He and Charlie Brown spend quite a bit of time talking about their respective grandfathers. When Franklin first appeared in the late 60's, his noticeably darker skin set some readers in search of a political meaning. However, the remarkable becomes unremarkable when readers learn that SChulz simply introduced Franklin as another character, not a political statement (www.comics.com).
THe 50 years of Peanuts has been a remarkable 50 years of events in the strip.
October 2, 1950 - Peanuts debuts in seven newspapers
November 16, 1952 - Lucy first holds a football for Charlie Brown
June 1, 1954 - Debut of LInus' security blanket
January 5, 1956 - Snoopy first walks on two legs
1958 - Yale University names Schulz Cartoonist of the year.
August 23, 1959 - Sally debuts (as an infant)
March 11, 1960 - Charlie Brown's father is revealed to be a barber
1960 - Hallmark introduces Peanuts greeting cards
November 19, 1961 - Charlie Brown first pines for the little red-haireed girl
1962 - Peanuts is named Best HUmor Strip of the Year by the National Cartoonists Society
April 4, 1967 - A bird strongly resembling Woodstock appears
May 18, 1969 - Charlie Brown and Snoopy sccompany astronauts into space aboard Apollo X
July 20, 1971 - Marcie first calls Peppermint Patty "Sir"
November 20, 1973 - A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving debuts, and wins an Emmy Award
January 21, 1974 - Rerun first appears on his mother's bicycle
August 13, 1975 - Spike debuts
January 27, 1977 - Sally first dubs Linus her "Sweet Babboo"
June 28, 1979 - The WWI Flying Ace visits with the "cute little French girl" (Marcie)
January 7, 1980 - Peppermint Patty gives a correct answer in her class
("Timeline".Snoopy.com).
Since Schulz's death, there has been a lot of controversy as to what will happen with the comic strip. Schulz left strict instructions that nobody else could draw "Peanuts," and before he died, he told one of his daughters that animated shows featuring Charlie Brown and the gang, must end as well. The thing is, however, since Schulz did not own the copyright, he legally had no say in what happened with the strip. His children are worrows about what is going to happen with the strip. They fear that new programs will stray too far from Schulz's original script. "They'll end up like "South Park" or something like that," says Monte Schulz, son of Schulz (http://abcnews.go.com).
Though we aren't sure of what will happen to the strip in the future, its past has been something great. It took 50 years to become what it is, but it was well worth the wait. Schulz did a fine job with his creative abilities. His life has greatly impacted American society. Charles Schulz, through his creative gemius, is honestly a great American.
Works Cited
Lang, John. Popularity of "peanuts" unlikely to be matched soon. Scripps Howard News Service.
www.Scripps.com/featurefronts.peanuts.frameset2.html. March 26, 2002
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"You're in Limbo Cahrlie Brown". ABCNews.com.
2002
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